I remember this time last year, I was married to Chris and we were living with his parents waiting anxiously for the house to close. December 6, 2012 I was handed the keys to my first home. We were so excited, celebrating, shopping for new home items, picking out paint colors and decor together and spending evenings in the backyard talking about all the things were were going to do to the house, the memories we would create and so on. Little did I know that just three months later his affairs and lies would unfold and I would realize the dreams that I shared with that man would never come true....
Fast forward to today as I approach one year in the home that we picked out together...Since then I have made it my own. I have had help from friends with decorating, help from family with little projects around the house and the strength within myself that has come from Jesus to keep dreaming. Chris may have shattered the dreams we shared but he didn't steal my hope and he certainly didn't take away my ability to dream. Entering the holidays isn't easy but I am trying to celebrate new dreams, new memories and still have a home that is full of love. I had someone from my church tell me that the first year is the hardest and going through all the firsts without Chris would trigger hurt and sadness, well she was right. Just the other day when going through Christmas ornaments I saw all of our personalized ones that included our family names and the one I had made for him to mark our first Christmas together. That punched in the gut feeling came back and yep, I cried. The good news is the tears are further and father between and come and go quickly. Eight months ago when he left I was having a min meltdown and a good friend told me to cowgirl up so I did just that. I made a choice to now allow Chris or the divorce to break me or have that type of control of me. Nope, not gonna let it happen. I am told all the time that I seem to be doing "so well." When I'm told that it almost feels like an old lady tapping a puppy on the head saying "there, there." I would like to respond and say how the hell else should I be doing? I am not sure if people were expecting me to fall apart but if they were they clearly don't know me that well. Perhaps I should take it as a compliment but even then, that would mean they don't know me that well either because if they think I am doing "so well" then that just means they haven't taken the time to do a heart check on me. Besides, I don't have the luxury to not do well. Nope. I have three children that need me, a job that depends on me, a mortgage and other bills to pay. Failure and falling apart is just not an option and never has been for me. To stop having dreams and hopes is also not an option. Without hope you have nothing.
I guess what I am trying to say is a man can steal your heart, a man can shattered shared dreams but a man can not steal your hope, your joy or your dreams. A man should be nothing more than an awesome addition to your already secure, stable, independent self. And if you aren't those things, then dammit you fake it until you believe it.
Lastly, as I enter the holidays and have spent the last few days dinking around the house I couldn't help but reflect on the irony of what a difference a year makes and how December 2013 looks absolutely nothing like I thought it would but I still really, really like the view as I sit here today. New dreams, new memories, new adventures and it's ok!
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
It's all about perception...God's perception!
I felt like a mess. It was a day where I didn't feel cute, at all, I didn't really even try. I had a bad morning with the kids and felt like the worlds worst mom, all the self-talk I was giving myself that day was negative and by total surprise someone told me how great I looked and asked me how I always do it. I was shocked wondering what the "it" was. She asked me how I work my job, look great and manage be such a good mom and in that moment I had to grab my jaw off the floor. Was she really asking ME that or was she being sarcastic? I didn't know what to say other than I was nothing more than a hot mess! I went on to tell her that I was up 10lbs, wearing a shirt that I didn't know whether it was was dirty or clean, 2 out of 3 of my kids didn't brush their teeth that morning and I yelled at one of them on our way out the door. Then being the over-sharer I am I went on to tell her that I feel like a failure in my job most days and that I never feel like my home is clean enough or like I'm good enough. That same woman stopped me and told me next time, to just say thank you and to not be so hard on myself. Now, don't get me wrong, it's now like I came unglued on some stranger, I have a relationship with this person and the conversation went a little deeper than that but you catch the drift.
That moment, that day, I realized that the way I see myself is far different then the way others see me. And really, it's all about perception.
Something was drilled in me from an early age and I don't know why or where it came from but I am very hard on myself. I told myself to high standards but I also put the same on to others. Not one of my better qualities but something I'm working on. I never feel good enough. I can get 3 new accounts in a week at work but feel like I should have gotten 6. I clean my home daily and still worry it's not clean enough. I can spend quality time with my kiddos but feel like it's not often enough. I am a size 6 but wish I was still a 4 like I was last summer. It's not very fun living in the land of "not good enough." So when that woman clued me in on how I was perceived, it really meant a lot. But beyond that I know that in the eyes of Jesus I am loved, more than enough and can come just as I am.
My identity in Christ states this:
Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
You see that? I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. I am enough and I am loved. I am loved beyond my dirty shirt, my 10 extra pounds or whether or not I will win the prize of Mother of the Year and so are YOU! I am not perfect and I am not expected to be, and neither are YOU! In fact, I am given the chance to begin again at any given moment in my day. Some days I begin again 3, 4, 5 times until I get it right. Some days I don't get it right at all but I go to sleep, wake up and begin a new day knowing that I am not alone and I have God in me and with me...always. Psalm 138:8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands.
I realize that I need to not look at the perception I have of myself because it's not a healthy one. All that negative self talk and being my own worst critic is not good. I also know that while it's flattering for that woman to tell me she sees me as so "together" I can't put my value in her words either because she represents the views of the world, not Christ. Sure, it's a good boost for the day and we all love a compliment from time to time, right? But those flattering compliments are temporary and I know I need to place my self-worth and my value in the way that God perceives me. My identity in Christ will not fade and will not lose value. My identity in Christ tells me that I am clothed in strength and dignity and will laugh without fear for my future. My identity in Christ tells me I am not abandoned. My identity in Christ tells me I am forgiven. My identity in Christ tells me that I am loved, loved just as I am and I am good enough!
Look beyond yourself, look beyond the way others see you or even the way you think they might see you and look to Jesus. He is the truth and the light. Besides, Jesus says come as you are, even if that means you're 10lbs up, didn't brush your kids teeth that morning and have a dirty shirt on. ;)
Praying today that I will become more secure in Christ and realize that I need to define my identity in Him and not in my relationships, my things, my weight, my hair, my job, my children or anything else. And praying that I will grow so that I can see myself and define myself the way God wants me too, so that everything else will fall in to place. Amen.
That moment, that day, I realized that the way I see myself is far different then the way others see me. And really, it's all about perception.
Something was drilled in me from an early age and I don't know why or where it came from but I am very hard on myself. I told myself to high standards but I also put the same on to others. Not one of my better qualities but something I'm working on. I never feel good enough. I can get 3 new accounts in a week at work but feel like I should have gotten 6. I clean my home daily and still worry it's not clean enough. I can spend quality time with my kiddos but feel like it's not often enough. I am a size 6 but wish I was still a 4 like I was last summer. It's not very fun living in the land of "not good enough." So when that woman clued me in on how I was perceived, it really meant a lot. But beyond that I know that in the eyes of Jesus I am loved, more than enough and can come just as I am.
My identity in Christ states this:
Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
You see that? I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. I am enough and I am loved. I am loved beyond my dirty shirt, my 10 extra pounds or whether or not I will win the prize of Mother of the Year and so are YOU! I am not perfect and I am not expected to be, and neither are YOU! In fact, I am given the chance to begin again at any given moment in my day. Some days I begin again 3, 4, 5 times until I get it right. Some days I don't get it right at all but I go to sleep, wake up and begin a new day knowing that I am not alone and I have God in me and with me...always. Psalm 138:8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands.
I realize that I need to not look at the perception I have of myself because it's not a healthy one. All that negative self talk and being my own worst critic is not good. I also know that while it's flattering for that woman to tell me she sees me as so "together" I can't put my value in her words either because she represents the views of the world, not Christ. Sure, it's a good boost for the day and we all love a compliment from time to time, right? But those flattering compliments are temporary and I know I need to place my self-worth and my value in the way that God perceives me. My identity in Christ will not fade and will not lose value. My identity in Christ tells me that I am clothed in strength and dignity and will laugh without fear for my future. My identity in Christ tells me I am not abandoned. My identity in Christ tells me I am forgiven. My identity in Christ tells me that I am loved, loved just as I am and I am good enough!
Look beyond yourself, look beyond the way others see you or even the way you think they might see you and look to Jesus. He is the truth and the light. Besides, Jesus says come as you are, even if that means you're 10lbs up, didn't brush your kids teeth that morning and have a dirty shirt on. ;)
Praying today that I will become more secure in Christ and realize that I need to define my identity in Him and not in my relationships, my things, my weight, my hair, my job, my children or anything else. And praying that I will grow so that I can see myself and define myself the way God wants me too, so that everything else will fall in to place. Amen.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
I'm a survivor.
I can honestly say that I have had an amazingly blessed life. I have family that loves and supports me. I have 3 healthy kiddos that have taught me more in the short amount of time they've been in my life than I can ever teach them. I have my own health. I have a job that I really enjoy and think I'm pretty good at. I have a roof over my head that I am proud to call my own. I make more than a little but less than a lot. I work hard to play hard. I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I am blessed! If you knew me well you would know that none of those blessings came easy. Not much in my life has come easy and you know what? I am okay with that. I'm okay because the hard work that I have put out has made the rewards that much more sweeter, the mess that I have endured has turned in to my message and the heartache has taught me an inner strength that I never knew I had and is only possible through my faith.
Recently, as most of you know, my husband decided he wanted a divorce. This came as a total shock to me. I never understood women who said they didn't see it coming and always thought, really?! How could they not see it!!!? But really, in my marriage, I did NOT see it coming. He always told me he was happy, life was good, we were great, blah blah blah. I spend a few minutes a day having a good cry but then I make a choice and I choose to pull up my boot straps, cowgirl up, plug forward and I choose to fight, not flight. When I first revealed to my dad that this was happening one of the things he told me was that I am a survivor. When I have a tragedy hit me, a hard time or a heartache I go right into survival mode. I am a bulldozer and I immediately plug forward. Lucky for my children I am this type of woman because their life maintains normalcy but unfortunate for me I don't get the luxury to just fall apart. I am a fighter, a survivor and I am brave. I believe that this divorce is teaching me so much more about myself than I expected it to:
1. I am a survivor: I have faced a lot in my life and this divorce probably tops the charts for me, but I am surviving. I am surviving mentally, physically, financially and emotionally. I am and I will be okay. I know in time I wont just be surviving this mess but I will come out THRIVING.
2. I am Brave: Those who know me will know that danger is NOT my middle name! I am not too risky and kind of a scaredy cat actually. But ya know what? I am one damn brave woman. It takes a lot of courage to look 3 kiddos in the eyes and tell them it's going to be okay even when you're not so sure yourself. It takes bravery to tell your husband who just revealed multiple affairs that he is loved and can be forgiven as he is walking out the door. It take bravery to smile at that same husband and show him grace when you see him for the drop off/pick up routine. It takes courage to trust God and His plan for my life.
3. It's okay to fall apart: Since I am so stubborn, strong and in survival mode I have to remind myself that it is okay to fall apart. There's not many people I trust to do this around or even feel safe to share my hurt with and it's okay to have those boundaries. However, when my house is empty and kid free it is okay to cry out to Jesus and thank Him for providing me with the ability to be strong and brave and to ask him to comfort me during my hurt. There's nothing wrong with being vulnerable, just be wise with you share it with.
4. I am not broken: I kept feeling so broken like this ruined me but you know what I am not broken and I'm not ruined. My heart might be a little bit, but my faith, my hope and my foundation is not broken. Broken things can be fixed and God is the ultimate healer who mends broken hearts and in time, He will mend mine too. My heart being broke doesn't define me, it's just a piece of me. Just like if I broke my arm it doesn't mean I wouldn't be able to walk...I am still functioning!
5. God is here: My birds eye view is pretty amazing. I look back and see how God positioned me to be okay. My home is mine and mine only. I had just received a raise at work. My faith had grown strong. All of that God provided for me prior to be slapped in the face with divorce. Divorce that was not caused by God but caused by the sin of a man who was being under attack by satan. Satan didn't win this one because God is here and my faith is not shaken. God was with me before the divorce and helped position me so when I was faced with the hurt my reaction was to turn to Him. God is here daily and helping to carry me though this time and unlike any man, God will never abandon me.
The lessons keep coming and I am learning so much in every day. I have spent my whole adult life married and I am using this opportunity to define Christina and I think what I learned and outlined above is a good start. With those truths revealed about myself the foundation is set and it's almost like the hard covers to a book and the other lesson along the way will be the chapters. This divorce will end up being just one very small chapter in my life because God's plans for me are greater than I can ever imagine for myself and there is so much more to be written in my story.
Psalm 31:24: Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Who's responsible for your happiness? YOU!
People will constantly disappoint you but God never will. I believe in the good in people and that most people do not have the intention of hurting you but it's still bound to happen. Part of that reason is because we depend on others for our happiness. We are self-entitled individuals who feel like it's someone elses job to please us, care of us and make us happy. Ummm...NEGATIVE. We are the only ones in control of our happiness and it's a choice we have to make.
I will not allow anyone else to rob me of my joy! Sounds pretty amazing right? Well, easier said then done. Especially if you're like me and making other people happy is what makes you, yourself happy. I find so much joy is pleasing others. I love to make people laugh, I love to make people feel good about themselves, I love to make people happy! But I have to realize that just as someone isn't responsible for MY happiness - I am not with theirs either. If I am upsetting someone or hurting them it is their job to tell me, otherwise how am I supposed to know? Sorry....don't have a crystal ball here! I put so much pressure on myself to be responsible for other people and starting today I am done with that. I know that I am kind, I know that I am fun, I know that my heart is sincere and I know that I would never, ever, EVER intentionally say or do something to hurt someone or make them feel bad. So with that, I am no longer taking ownership for other peoples emotions. If someone perceives something I say or do in a way that upsets them then they should speak up. Because more often than not it's probably more about them and not me. And on the flip side - I need to be better at this myself. I need to not blame people for making me feel a certain way too.
As I said before, I am in charge of my own happiness. So what does that mean? It means that no person, including my dad, my family, a man, my kids, my friends are responsible for making this chick happy. I am! I get up each day and I have choices to make. What will I wear? How will I fix my hair? And most important - I am going to allow any person or situation to have the power over me to dictate my mood for that day? NOOOOO! I am empowered knowing that Christ lives in me and through Him I am strong and I can choose to be happy no matter what my circumstances are. This doesn't mean that I am not human and don't get mad, sad, or whatever. But I don't blame others. I allow myself to feel because that makes me real but I don't allow myself to fall. Feeling is a way to fully live life - through the joy, pain, or whatever but falling means you're knocked down and God doesn't want us to be knocked down, he wants us firmly planted on His truth that we are loved, forgiven and not forsaken.
Each day I drop my kiddos off and I tell them the same thing "have a good day and make it great and make good choices." That's right...MAKE IT GREAT. They have the ability to decide if they are having a great day or a bad day. Sure, things will come their way through the day that aren't good and do suck but you can either dwell, take it personal and fall apart or you can stand firm in your truth and continue on. You and I have choices to make in our day and the ability to allow others to have that sort of power over us but really, we are the ones with all the power! Our happiness is up to us and us only.
Be happy. It feels good. :)
I will not allow anyone else to rob me of my joy! Sounds pretty amazing right? Well, easier said then done. Especially if you're like me and making other people happy is what makes you, yourself happy. I find so much joy is pleasing others. I love to make people laugh, I love to make people feel good about themselves, I love to make people happy! But I have to realize that just as someone isn't responsible for MY happiness - I am not with theirs either. If I am upsetting someone or hurting them it is their job to tell me, otherwise how am I supposed to know? Sorry....don't have a crystal ball here! I put so much pressure on myself to be responsible for other people and starting today I am done with that. I know that I am kind, I know that I am fun, I know that my heart is sincere and I know that I would never, ever, EVER intentionally say or do something to hurt someone or make them feel bad. So with that, I am no longer taking ownership for other peoples emotions. If someone perceives something I say or do in a way that upsets them then they should speak up. Because more often than not it's probably more about them and not me. And on the flip side - I need to be better at this myself. I need to not blame people for making me feel a certain way too.
As I said before, I am in charge of my own happiness. So what does that mean? It means that no person, including my dad, my family, a man, my kids, my friends are responsible for making this chick happy. I am! I get up each day and I have choices to make. What will I wear? How will I fix my hair? And most important - I am going to allow any person or situation to have the power over me to dictate my mood for that day? NOOOOO! I am empowered knowing that Christ lives in me and through Him I am strong and I can choose to be happy no matter what my circumstances are. This doesn't mean that I am not human and don't get mad, sad, or whatever. But I don't blame others. I allow myself to feel because that makes me real but I don't allow myself to fall. Feeling is a way to fully live life - through the joy, pain, or whatever but falling means you're knocked down and God doesn't want us to be knocked down, he wants us firmly planted on His truth that we are loved, forgiven and not forsaken.
Each day I drop my kiddos off and I tell them the same thing "have a good day and make it great and make good choices." That's right...MAKE IT GREAT. They have the ability to decide if they are having a great day or a bad day. Sure, things will come their way through the day that aren't good and do suck but you can either dwell, take it personal and fall apart or you can stand firm in your truth and continue on. You and I have choices to make in our day and the ability to allow others to have that sort of power over us but really, we are the ones with all the power! Our happiness is up to us and us only.
Be happy. It feels good. :)
Monday, April 22, 2013
23 vs 33
Today I sit here 33 years old. I'm really still a puppy but compared to myself at 23 I'm pretty damn grown up! I was thinking about my life over the past 10 years and how it's kind of come full circle. I am in a similar situation that I was in 10 years ago but I'm not the same gal I was 10 years ago. I was thinking of the significant differences at 23 vs. 33 and so here it goes:
Financial Security - So money is really the root of all evil, but that said it sure does help. My 23 year old self was not as financially secure as I am today. Some of that comes with time, stronger career, hard work, etc. But a lot of it comes from wisdom and making smart choices. Sure we all like to blow our cash on stuff we want but there's a better sense of security that comes from having money in the bank, a roof over your head and not needing to worry about tomorrow. So at 23 I would just live in the moment financially and spend, spend spend without thinking about my future and at 33 I'm living for the future financially! I mean before I know it I'll be at retirement age if the next 30 years go as fast as the last 30....
It's gonna be okay! - So at 23 a crisis would happen and it was the end of the world to me! Oh boy would I worry, cry, be upset and feel like life was over FOREVER. At 33 I have been through enough to know that really, it's gonna be alright. It just is! I believe this because I know that God's plan for me is great than I could ever imagine for myself. Do I still worry? Sometimes, yes. Do I still get upset and emotional? Of course, I am human. But the difference between 23 and 33 is at 23 it would paralyze me. At 33 it drives me!
Love - Love at 23 was something that I thought I needed. At 33 it's something I don't want anymore (well I say that but if you really knew my heart you would know that's not true). In all seriousness love is more than actions and words. Love is defined as total commitment. That's not easy to come by either. Think about your love for your kids (if you have them). You are probably totally committed and dedicated to your children, right? When I was 23 it was about being liked, wanted and twitterpated. Which, don't get me wrong, those things are pretty great. But at 33 it's about someone who will ride and die with you. Silly right? But really it's about someone who will be committed to you no.matter.what. That is what love is about. Save your roses, save your sweet text messages. Really all I want at 33 is someone who will show up for me. Day after day after day....Someone who will show up when I'm happy, someone who will show up when I'm sad, someone who doesn't have to say or do anything other than just simply show up for me. And not only will they show up, but they will stay....
Friendships - So when you're 23 you think that everyone is your "best friend." You think about who you hang with the most, who comes to all your parties, who makes you feel good to be around, bla bla bla. But at 33 a friend is someone who sees your ugly moments and loves you anyways. A friend is someone who supports you but calls you on the ugly too. And a friend is someone who doesn't make it about them but knows when you need it to be about you. And people are like seasons and sometimes drift in and out of your life and that's ok too.
Know it all - When I was 23 I thought I had things figured out. I was a mom of 2 and held my own and really by time 23 hit I had lived a lot of life compared to most 23 year olds. But looking back, I really didn't know much! And the thing about being 33 is I can still say - I don't know a gosh damn thing! Haha. Really, I am getting wiser in some areas but I am okay with saying "I don't know."
Boundaries - It's okay to set boundaries with people! At 23 I would just say yes to everything and really worried about everyone else. I actually did that up until this year and have been learning how to set boundaries. This has been HUGE for me. It's okay, to put limits on certain people and not everyone needs to know all the details about your life, or you can tell certain people no when asked for a favor or even say no to family when needed. My friend Shannon told me to give myself permission to set boundaries in my life and putting up those blocks on certain situations or people has actually allowed me the freedom!
They are all just as scared as you - Ever been to a job interview or on a date or anything similar and been totally nervous? When you don't have a lot of life experience under you things are pretty scary. And, the truth is, things are still scary 10 years later. But the difference is I have realized that they are just as scared as you are, if not more! The "they" could be anything or anyone. You know who "they" are in your life.
There's so much I could go on and on about. And really, it's not like I think I'm all that wise or a know-it-all, but I have gained some wisdom over the last 10 years and I continue to grow, learn, evolve and be a better me. I have no idea what I'll be saying when I'm 43 but all I can hope is that me at 43 is better than the me at 33 and that's how I'll know I'm doing something right. I haven't been broken yet, or ruined or destoryed from what's been thrown at me, I've just been made better.
xoxo
CW
Financial Security - So money is really the root of all evil, but that said it sure does help. My 23 year old self was not as financially secure as I am today. Some of that comes with time, stronger career, hard work, etc. But a lot of it comes from wisdom and making smart choices. Sure we all like to blow our cash on stuff we want but there's a better sense of security that comes from having money in the bank, a roof over your head and not needing to worry about tomorrow. So at 23 I would just live in the moment financially and spend, spend spend without thinking about my future and at 33 I'm living for the future financially! I mean before I know it I'll be at retirement age if the next 30 years go as fast as the last 30....
It's gonna be okay! - So at 23 a crisis would happen and it was the end of the world to me! Oh boy would I worry, cry, be upset and feel like life was over FOREVER. At 33 I have been through enough to know that really, it's gonna be alright. It just is! I believe this because I know that God's plan for me is great than I could ever imagine for myself. Do I still worry? Sometimes, yes. Do I still get upset and emotional? Of course, I am human. But the difference between 23 and 33 is at 23 it would paralyze me. At 33 it drives me!
Love - Love at 23 was something that I thought I needed. At 33 it's something I don't want anymore (well I say that but if you really knew my heart you would know that's not true). In all seriousness love is more than actions and words. Love is defined as total commitment. That's not easy to come by either. Think about your love for your kids (if you have them). You are probably totally committed and dedicated to your children, right? When I was 23 it was about being liked, wanted and twitterpated. Which, don't get me wrong, those things are pretty great. But at 33 it's about someone who will ride and die with you. Silly right? But really it's about someone who will be committed to you no.matter.what. That is what love is about. Save your roses, save your sweet text messages. Really all I want at 33 is someone who will show up for me. Day after day after day....Someone who will show up when I'm happy, someone who will show up when I'm sad, someone who doesn't have to say or do anything other than just simply show up for me. And not only will they show up, but they will stay....
Friendships - So when you're 23 you think that everyone is your "best friend." You think about who you hang with the most, who comes to all your parties, who makes you feel good to be around, bla bla bla. But at 33 a friend is someone who sees your ugly moments and loves you anyways. A friend is someone who supports you but calls you on the ugly too. And a friend is someone who doesn't make it about them but knows when you need it to be about you. And people are like seasons and sometimes drift in and out of your life and that's ok too.
Know it all - When I was 23 I thought I had things figured out. I was a mom of 2 and held my own and really by time 23 hit I had lived a lot of life compared to most 23 year olds. But looking back, I really didn't know much! And the thing about being 33 is I can still say - I don't know a gosh damn thing! Haha. Really, I am getting wiser in some areas but I am okay with saying "I don't know."
Boundaries - It's okay to set boundaries with people! At 23 I would just say yes to everything and really worried about everyone else. I actually did that up until this year and have been learning how to set boundaries. This has been HUGE for me. It's okay, to put limits on certain people and not everyone needs to know all the details about your life, or you can tell certain people no when asked for a favor or even say no to family when needed. My friend Shannon told me to give myself permission to set boundaries in my life and putting up those blocks on certain situations or people has actually allowed me the freedom!
They are all just as scared as you - Ever been to a job interview or on a date or anything similar and been totally nervous? When you don't have a lot of life experience under you things are pretty scary. And, the truth is, things are still scary 10 years later. But the difference is I have realized that they are just as scared as you are, if not more! The "they" could be anything or anyone. You know who "they" are in your life.
There's so much I could go on and on about. And really, it's not like I think I'm all that wise or a know-it-all, but I have gained some wisdom over the last 10 years and I continue to grow, learn, evolve and be a better me. I have no idea what I'll be saying when I'm 43 but all I can hope is that me at 43 is better than the me at 33 and that's how I'll know I'm doing something right. I haven't been broken yet, or ruined or destoryed from what's been thrown at me, I've just been made better.
xoxo
CW
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Punched in the gut
Ever been punched in the gut? You know what it's like to take the kind of blow and have the wind knocked out of you. You feel dizzy, like you can't breath but you have to remind yourself to and you've lost your bearings. But after a few moments you pull yourself together and you're okay again.
It doesn't just take a bar fight for that feeling because life can throw you punches too. And damnit, it hurts! Recently life punched me in the gut and for a minute and I couldn't breathe and I had to remind myself to take in a big deep breath. For a minute it hurt really, really bad. But each day it stings a little less and the aches are still there but I can still breathe and the pain isn't as bad as the initial shock of the sucker punch.
That's the thing about a sucker punch is you never know when it's gonna come. Funny they call it sucker punch which implies the person getting hit is the "sucker" but really the one throwing the punch is the real sucker. Only a "sucker" would hit someone so hard that it knocks them off their feet with no warning. A true fighter would set the date, put on their gloves and at least allow you the opportunity to brace yourself or fight back. But nope, suckers punch you out of the blue because they are the weak one.
Being knocked down only gives you the opportunity to get back up again. And when you're hurt, you're feeling weak and you just want to scream is the moment that shows your true character. Do you scream? Do you lay there and cry? Not me! I cowgirl up, get up, wipe the tears and move the hell on. I don't kick and scream but instead I take the hit and keep on keepin' on.
The truth is, there's no way to prepare yourself of life's punches in the gut. But you can build your character in a way that when you do get hit you don't stay down.
As for the punch in the gut I got...Let's say it was a cheap shot that I really didn't see coming and it f'ing hurt! But I'm back up on my feet.
It doesn't just take a bar fight for that feeling because life can throw you punches too. And damnit, it hurts! Recently life punched me in the gut and for a minute and I couldn't breathe and I had to remind myself to take in a big deep breath. For a minute it hurt really, really bad. But each day it stings a little less and the aches are still there but I can still breathe and the pain isn't as bad as the initial shock of the sucker punch.
That's the thing about a sucker punch is you never know when it's gonna come. Funny they call it sucker punch which implies the person getting hit is the "sucker" but really the one throwing the punch is the real sucker. Only a "sucker" would hit someone so hard that it knocks them off their feet with no warning. A true fighter would set the date, put on their gloves and at least allow you the opportunity to brace yourself or fight back. But nope, suckers punch you out of the blue because they are the weak one.
Being knocked down only gives you the opportunity to get back up again. And when you're hurt, you're feeling weak and you just want to scream is the moment that shows your true character. Do you scream? Do you lay there and cry? Not me! I cowgirl up, get up, wipe the tears and move the hell on. I don't kick and scream but instead I take the hit and keep on keepin' on.
The truth is, there's no way to prepare yourself of life's punches in the gut. But you can build your character in a way that when you do get hit you don't stay down.
As for the punch in the gut I got...Let's say it was a cheap shot that I really didn't see coming and it f'ing hurt! But I'm back up on my feet.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Eating humility to be served up wisdom!
Today I had someone point out something about myself that isn't one of my better qualities. When they told me it was presented in a gentle way and I was approached with true care but even with that said, when I heard it - it hurt! It stung like a bee and honestly I am still feeling the sting from earlier today. That saying "the truth hurts" sure is true. But, that said, sometimes the truth is necessary to provide growth. I already knew what was said was true about myself before it was shared with me, but it took my flaw being pointed out by another person to really make me step back and look at that part of myself deeper.
As soon as I ended my conversation with the person that, by the way, God placed in my life to tell me what He wanted me to hear (yes, it is all part of His bigger plan for me and part of my pruning process) I immediately remembered something that I read earlier this morning about humility providing wisdom. In that moment I chose to not be defensive but to take the moment and the ugly truth about yours truly as a way to grow. I doubt that tomorrow I will wake up and be totally perfect in that area of my life but I can promise I will pray about that part of me and ask God to do His work in my life. Just another mess in me for Him to clean up! :)
I actually am thankful for these moments of humility. I am thankful because it's evidence that God is working so hard in my life and he is pruning me and chopping off my ugly parts so I can bloom into something pretty beautiful. I am so excited to see what I am going to grow into even if it takes some moments along the way of being called out on my ugly parts. With my pruning and growth I am gaining wisdom. Some say hind sight is 20/20 but it's really a matter of reflecting, learning and getting better and wiser!
Next time someone tells you something that you really didn't want to hear, ask yourself if you NEEDED to hear it. Is it true? Are they right? Do you want to be better in that area? Take it as an opportunity to eat a little dose of humility to get a big serving of wisdom.
So here's the hard part of me - since I had that conversation this morning I have been beating myself up over it and shaming myself, but then I remembered that's just the enemy using this opportunity that God created to turn it into his evil twist. I stand firm in my faith and choose to not allow the enemy to turn God's work into his evil joy. So, I am allowing myself some grace and giving those feelings of shame and hurt to God and again, thanking Him for being so present in my life that I can feel His work being done within me. I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus and the fact that, the more I get to know Him the more I can see these situations clearly and actually thank Him for these opportunities to grow instead of blame Him.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” – John 15:1-2
As soon as I ended my conversation with the person that, by the way, God placed in my life to tell me what He wanted me to hear (yes, it is all part of His bigger plan for me and part of my pruning process) I immediately remembered something that I read earlier this morning about humility providing wisdom. In that moment I chose to not be defensive but to take the moment and the ugly truth about yours truly as a way to grow. I doubt that tomorrow I will wake up and be totally perfect in that area of my life but I can promise I will pray about that part of me and ask God to do His work in my life. Just another mess in me for Him to clean up! :)
I actually am thankful for these moments of humility. I am thankful because it's evidence that God is working so hard in my life and he is pruning me and chopping off my ugly parts so I can bloom into something pretty beautiful. I am so excited to see what I am going to grow into even if it takes some moments along the way of being called out on my ugly parts. With my pruning and growth I am gaining wisdom. Some say hind sight is 20/20 but it's really a matter of reflecting, learning and getting better and wiser!
Next time someone tells you something that you really didn't want to hear, ask yourself if you NEEDED to hear it. Is it true? Are they right? Do you want to be better in that area? Take it as an opportunity to eat a little dose of humility to get a big serving of wisdom.
So here's the hard part of me - since I had that conversation this morning I have been beating myself up over it and shaming myself, but then I remembered that's just the enemy using this opportunity that God created to turn it into his evil twist. I stand firm in my faith and choose to not allow the enemy to turn God's work into his evil joy. So, I am allowing myself some grace and giving those feelings of shame and hurt to God and again, thanking Him for being so present in my life that I can feel His work being done within me. I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus and the fact that, the more I get to know Him the more I can see these situations clearly and actually thank Him for these opportunities to grow instead of blame Him.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” – John 15:1-2
Monday, February 18, 2013
Turning your tongue into a tool, not a weapon.
Our most powerful weapon that we have isn't one that have locked in a gun case, or get any safety training on. It's one we are born with. Our tongue. I am a believer that the words that we speak can be used to either build others up or wound them deeply with wounds that sometimes never heal. I sometimes still hear things that have been said to me and just the replay of it hurts almost as bad as the first time I heard it. Or when I need a little self encouragement I will remember something encouraging or loving that someone said to me and it can give me the boost that I needed in that moment.
The words we say to others often become their labels that they adopt for themselves. A lot of the labels that I struggle with are there because of damaging things that have been said to me over the years. It's not like I woke up one day and thought I was ugly - it took the words of others over time to make me believe that about myself. On the flip side, I have an amazing husband who tells me every day how beautiful he thinks that I am both inside and out so those words have helped to counter the hurtful ones.
Each day you have the ability to make a choice to think before you speak and choose the words you say to others. Why not take a step back to choose more wisely and choose to say things that will lift up people instead of a quick comment that can sting to the core or someone else who already comes to the table with past hurts and insecurities.
As a mother you have a choice to speak to your children in a way that will build their confidence, sense of security, and help to define the labels they will have for themselves. I certainly don't want my kids self labels to be stupid, ugly, not good enough, etc. I want them to believe they are loved, amazing, beautiful (inside and out) and good enough. I am not always the best at this, I'll admit. I am busy and life is crazy and messy so some days I shout out to them and I know my words can sting but my prayer is that I spend more days sharing words of love and kindness and I try to allow myself some grace on the messy days.
James 1:19-20: This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Next time you speak ask yourself if this is something you would say if Jesus was standing right there next to you. I know it sounds silly but it works for me. Some days there are ways that I speak and I think to myself if Jesus was here he would be hurt by my choice of words. The thing is, He IS there. I want to speak in a way that reflects the love of Jesus to others. My gosh I am not there yet but I certainly do try!
So turn your tongue into a tool, not a weapon. Think before you speak and try to take a moment to understand the power you posses by the way you speak to others. Do you want to be someone's good memory when they need to reach into their memory pile for love and encouragement or do you want to be the voice they hear when they are in a dark, ugly place?
Today I pray: Sweet Jesus, please guide my tongue and help me to choose my words wisely. Please help me to speak in a way that would build others up and reflect your love. Please forgive me for the unkind ways that I have spoken to others. Amen.
The words we say to others often become their labels that they adopt for themselves. A lot of the labels that I struggle with are there because of damaging things that have been said to me over the years. It's not like I woke up one day and thought I was ugly - it took the words of others over time to make me believe that about myself. On the flip side, I have an amazing husband who tells me every day how beautiful he thinks that I am both inside and out so those words have helped to counter the hurtful ones.
Each day you have the ability to make a choice to think before you speak and choose the words you say to others. Why not take a step back to choose more wisely and choose to say things that will lift up people instead of a quick comment that can sting to the core or someone else who already comes to the table with past hurts and insecurities.
As a mother you have a choice to speak to your children in a way that will build their confidence, sense of security, and help to define the labels they will have for themselves. I certainly don't want my kids self labels to be stupid, ugly, not good enough, etc. I want them to believe they are loved, amazing, beautiful (inside and out) and good enough. I am not always the best at this, I'll admit. I am busy and life is crazy and messy so some days I shout out to them and I know my words can sting but my prayer is that I spend more days sharing words of love and kindness and I try to allow myself some grace on the messy days.
James 1:19-20: This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Next time you speak ask yourself if this is something you would say if Jesus was standing right there next to you. I know it sounds silly but it works for me. Some days there are ways that I speak and I think to myself if Jesus was here he would be hurt by my choice of words. The thing is, He IS there. I want to speak in a way that reflects the love of Jesus to others. My gosh I am not there yet but I certainly do try!
So turn your tongue into a tool, not a weapon. Think before you speak and try to take a moment to understand the power you posses by the way you speak to others. Do you want to be someone's good memory when they need to reach into their memory pile for love and encouragement or do you want to be the voice they hear when they are in a dark, ugly place?
Today I pray: Sweet Jesus, please guide my tongue and help me to choose my words wisely. Please help me to speak in a way that would build others up and reflect your love. Please forgive me for the unkind ways that I have spoken to others. Amen.
Monday, February 4, 2013
The truths in our hearts
I recently had a heart transplant. Not one done by a surgeon in a top notch medical center but one done by my creator and savior. Jesus. One fall morning in 2011 I was chatting with the Pastor's wife, who is one of the most amazing women and someone that I truly admire, and she shared with me that the words that we speak are a reflection of our heart. That hit me like a punch in the gut and I cried and cried like a baby. I just realized that I had an ugly heart. My heart had gone through a lot in the prior years such as a baby with kidney issues and 3 surgeries, a husband with job loss, debt to the IRS, etc. and during that time my heart grew hard. It wasn't over night but it was one of those things when all of the sudden you wonder what the heck happened to you. When Heather shared that with me I realized that I had grown ugly and it was obvious by the way I was speaking. I wasn't a meanie all the time but I did grow negative, angry and blamed God for a lot of my problems and I lashed out at the people closest to me. I knew the way I was going about it wasn't working for me and that is when I surrendered my life to Jesus. Since then I have literally had a transformation of my heart and, just like Heather said, the words that I speak are a reflection of what's happening on the inside because I don't speak the way I used to. Now the words that flow from my lips are words of hope, appreciation, love and thanks. Chris and I put God first in everything that we do and in all decisions that we make, we pray about it first. It's amazing that once you put God first, everything else just falls into place. I was made into a new person and I am not the same girl I was before I had a relationship with Jesus. There is a Christian song that goes something like "He makes all things new..." and I am proof of that. Life is so much easier when I surrender to Jesus instead of trying to do it my way.
I also believe another way to show the reflection of our heart is where our time and money is spent. If you watch people and see where they put their time and their money it will revel a lot about them. It will show their priorities. I bet if you looked online at your bank account and tracked where you've spent money the last month or two it would revel to you what your hearts desires are. Sometimes we need to reevaluate ourselves and get our priorities back in check or we will keep spinning in place.
I urge you to listen to the words you're speaking, check out your bank statements and evaluate where you spend most of your time. Look and see what the truths are inside your heart and decide if you are okay with your hearts desires or if you need to make changes. Ask Jesus to reveal these truths to you and once they are revealed and if you don't like them just ask Him to help to make you new.
Once you decide the changes you want to make it is going to take some work on your part along with prayer, patience, faith and new patterns. For me I had to surround myself around people that I wanted to look like, I only listened to Christian music, I chose for my Facebook news feed to consist of messages of hope, love and positive messages, I sought wisdom from others who held values I respected and I prayed....I prayed a lot and all throughout my day. I begged Jesus to reveal himself to me and he did and still does. So, whatever ugliness you reveal about yourself don't be discouraged because you can change it. I know for a fact that the real change comes once you surrender and sometimes it takes everything in your life to fall apart before it can fall into place.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
I also believe another way to show the reflection of our heart is where our time and money is spent. If you watch people and see where they put their time and their money it will revel a lot about them. It will show their priorities. I bet if you looked online at your bank account and tracked where you've spent money the last month or two it would revel to you what your hearts desires are. Sometimes we need to reevaluate ourselves and get our priorities back in check or we will keep spinning in place.
I urge you to listen to the words you're speaking, check out your bank statements and evaluate where you spend most of your time. Look and see what the truths are inside your heart and decide if you are okay with your hearts desires or if you need to make changes. Ask Jesus to reveal these truths to you and once they are revealed and if you don't like them just ask Him to help to make you new.
Once you decide the changes you want to make it is going to take some work on your part along with prayer, patience, faith and new patterns. For me I had to surround myself around people that I wanted to look like, I only listened to Christian music, I chose for my Facebook news feed to consist of messages of hope, love and positive messages, I sought wisdom from others who held values I respected and I prayed....I prayed a lot and all throughout my day. I begged Jesus to reveal himself to me and he did and still does. So, whatever ugliness you reveal about yourself don't be discouraged because you can change it. I know for a fact that the real change comes once you surrender and sometimes it takes everything in your life to fall apart before it can fall into place.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
The fast lane of motherhood
Today our sweet girl Brooke celebrates her 3rd birthday. This day reminds me of how fast time goes. I remember hearing my parents or grandparents talk about how quickly life goes by but it wasn't until I became a parent myself that I really felt the days going by a lot faster. Literally at the blink of an eye the baby that you brought and was so dependent on you for their every need can now grab a snack, verbally express their needs and wants and does so much independently. Brooke isn't our only one, she's actually our last so I am too familiar with how fast the time goes. My friend Heather once told me that motherhood is filled with long days and short years and she's dead on with that one! Us mama's know how some days go on forever, especially the ones when a kid is sick or no one wants to eat what you cooked, the laundry is piled up, they are fighting like cats and dogs and you don't feel too good yourself. Those days feel like they can drag on forever but then you blink and your kid is 3 or 9 or almost 13!
Being a parent you experience emotions you never thought you had. A love that is unconditional when you first meet your baby, a pain that cuts through the heart like no other when they tell you that you've hurt their feelings, disappointed them, etc., a worry that keeps you up at night when you know they are facing some big moments in life that are out of your control, a fear that can be crippling when they are in their 3rd surgery and you are told they may or may not have a kidney when it's done, a joy that makes you laugh big deep belly laughs from the silliest of things, a feeling of pride when they make a good choice or use their manners or you're told by strangers at a restaurant that your kids are very well behaved and a feeling of disappointment within yourself when you go to bed that night and realize the nasty way you spoke to your kid when biting their head off in a stressful moment or how you hurt them when you did what you felt is best for them. The great thing about feeling these emotions is that you are really living and God designed feelings so you can experience life. Yes, even the bad ones. And sometimes those feelings revel to us things about ourself that we don't like
I always jokingly say that when I lay my head on my pillow at night and the days events fill my head I wonder how badly I screwed up my kids that day. I say it as a joke but sort of actually really wonder that. I know that I am not the best mom all the time but I do give my personal best all the time. Some days my best consists of everyone getting out of the house on time, teeth brushed, hair looking cute, dinner on the table that evening, all the laundry caught up, bible verses read around the table, not raising my voice once and tucked into bed with a prayer. Other days my best is Brooke's dropped off at daycare in her jammies, Audrey's teeth aren't brushed, I'm snapping at them left and right, Jake tells me last mintue he needs money for something and I have no cash on me, I barely make it to work on time, dinner consists of a frozen pizza and the only prayer that's said is me asking Jesus for some sanity. The good thing about those days is they come to an end and I get the chance to begin again the next day. With a husband who has a career that keeps him gone 48 hours at a time and with me working a full time and juggling 3 kids I'd say the fact that they are even fed and there's no blood shed that day equals a success!! I try really hard to not compare myself to the "supermoms" as I call them. Oh you know the type - they always look fabulous, their kids look fabulous, they never raise their voice to their kids, dinner is made every night on time and to top it off they have all these neat crafty hobbies. Even though I say I try not to compare myself I still do but it always makes me feel bad about who I am and when I step outside of the comparing trap I really that I am a great mom and try to remember my picture of those supermoms is a snapshot, not the full slide show and if I looked at the full slide show I'd probably see some of the same messy shots that I have in my day.
With the life of my children going by so darn fast I don't want to spend it feeling bad about who I am as their mom. I want to spend it doing the best I can each day and if they eat a frozen pizza it wont kill them, if their beds aren't made the day wont crumble, if Brooke's hair isn't perfect she'll still be adorable and if I snap at them I always tell them I'm sorry and let them know they are loved even when I'm mad I never stop loving them. They need to understand that I am a person too and sometimes people have bad days but we apolgize to the ones we hurt, we don't dwell or beat ourselves up and we begin again and do better the next day. The fact is, our kids are on loan to us until they meet their maker. So my goal as a mom is to enjoy them as much as possible while they are with me and raise them to be the kind of people that would make Jesus proud for allowing me the honor of having them in my care for the short time I do in comparison to His time He will have with them.
I know I've spent too many years of their lives beating myself up and comparing myself to the supermoms but I've learned that I waste a lot of precious time doing that. Time that goes by way, way too fast when you're a mom and I choose to spend it focusing on all the things I do right because if you've met my kids you would know their mama is doing something right! :-)
Being a parent you experience emotions you never thought you had. A love that is unconditional when you first meet your baby, a pain that cuts through the heart like no other when they tell you that you've hurt their feelings, disappointed them, etc., a worry that keeps you up at night when you know they are facing some big moments in life that are out of your control, a fear that can be crippling when they are in their 3rd surgery and you are told they may or may not have a kidney when it's done, a joy that makes you laugh big deep belly laughs from the silliest of things, a feeling of pride when they make a good choice or use their manners or you're told by strangers at a restaurant that your kids are very well behaved and a feeling of disappointment within yourself when you go to bed that night and realize the nasty way you spoke to your kid when biting their head off in a stressful moment or how you hurt them when you did what you felt is best for them. The great thing about feeling these emotions is that you are really living and God designed feelings so you can experience life. Yes, even the bad ones. And sometimes those feelings revel to us things about ourself that we don't like
I always jokingly say that when I lay my head on my pillow at night and the days events fill my head I wonder how badly I screwed up my kids that day. I say it as a joke but sort of actually really wonder that. I know that I am not the best mom all the time but I do give my personal best all the time. Some days my best consists of everyone getting out of the house on time, teeth brushed, hair looking cute, dinner on the table that evening, all the laundry caught up, bible verses read around the table, not raising my voice once and tucked into bed with a prayer. Other days my best is Brooke's dropped off at daycare in her jammies, Audrey's teeth aren't brushed, I'm snapping at them left and right, Jake tells me last mintue he needs money for something and I have no cash on me, I barely make it to work on time, dinner consists of a frozen pizza and the only prayer that's said is me asking Jesus for some sanity. The good thing about those days is they come to an end and I get the chance to begin again the next day. With a husband who has a career that keeps him gone 48 hours at a time and with me working a full time and juggling 3 kids I'd say the fact that they are even fed and there's no blood shed that day equals a success!! I try really hard to not compare myself to the "supermoms" as I call them. Oh you know the type - they always look fabulous, their kids look fabulous, they never raise their voice to their kids, dinner is made every night on time and to top it off they have all these neat crafty hobbies. Even though I say I try not to compare myself I still do but it always makes me feel bad about who I am and when I step outside of the comparing trap I really that I am a great mom and try to remember my picture of those supermoms is a snapshot, not the full slide show and if I looked at the full slide show I'd probably see some of the same messy shots that I have in my day.
With the life of my children going by so darn fast I don't want to spend it feeling bad about who I am as their mom. I want to spend it doing the best I can each day and if they eat a frozen pizza it wont kill them, if their beds aren't made the day wont crumble, if Brooke's hair isn't perfect she'll still be adorable and if I snap at them I always tell them I'm sorry and let them know they are loved even when I'm mad I never stop loving them. They need to understand that I am a person too and sometimes people have bad days but we apolgize to the ones we hurt, we don't dwell or beat ourselves up and we begin again and do better the next day. The fact is, our kids are on loan to us until they meet their maker. So my goal as a mom is to enjoy them as much as possible while they are with me and raise them to be the kind of people that would make Jesus proud for allowing me the honor of having them in my care for the short time I do in comparison to His time He will have with them.
I know I've spent too many years of their lives beating myself up and comparing myself to the supermoms but I've learned that I waste a lot of precious time doing that. Time that goes by way, way too fast when you're a mom and I choose to spend it focusing on all the things I do right because if you've met my kids you would know their mama is doing something right! :-)
Friday, February 1, 2013
When swimming with the sharks isn't so scary.
In 2008 Chris and I were married and honeymooned in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. On the plane ride there we met a couple that we chatted with during the flight, the guy was a retired baseball player and he was with his German girlfriend. We enjoyed conversation and parted ways but while walking around one afternoon we crossed paths again and after a few minutes of conversation they invited us to spend the day with them on their boat Marlin fishing. Well, my husband fell in love after he heard the word fishing and decided we were going. Me, not so much. I pulled Chris aside and reminded him of all the shows like 60 Minutes, Dateline, etc. that showed that these sort of situations never end well for young, adorable, traveling Americans. He convinced me that he wouldn't let anything happen to me and after a few cocktails at The Giggling Marlin I was sold!
We spent the day fishing, tanning, floating along the ocean and watching flying fish. I spent a lot of time with my very heavy smoker German friend. She would smoke and talk and smoke and talk and then start spouting off something in German that I didn't understand but at least it sounded fabulous! I watched my new husband fish and drive the boat like a pro - it was like watching a kid in a candy store and I was so happy he was so happy. It was a picture perfect day! After a several hours in the heat our new friend decided that it was time to stop the boat and go for a swim. My thoughts went to that place where I was convinced this was the part of the day they were going to tie us up and throw us in the ocean. Then I realized Chris could totally take him so that didn't worry me anymore. As soon as they had the chance they climbed to the top of the boat and jumped in the ocean. Now, I'm not too big into swimming in shark infested waters and I don't care what you say but every ocean is shark infested! I was so scared I did not want to go in and I had never swam in the ocean before, not to mention I am not, by any means a strong swimmer. I wasn't the only chicken by the way, Chris was just as scared and if he's scared then that meant I was really scared. He doesn't like the idea of sharks either! We were frozen by fear but also so envious of the fun our new friends were having and it was pretty darn hot out and that water looked so, so refreshing. We were in Mexico, on our honeymoon and on an adventure so after what felt like forever we both just decided to go for it, well Chris first actually, but after he went for it I did too and I jumped in the water!!! Alright, alright, it wasn't that glamorous. I climbed slowly down the ladder and slowly inched myself in with my new German friend shouting encouraging words in German That or she was cussing at me telling me what a baby I was, I'll never know but I'm gonna roll thinking she was encouraging me. The first few minutes I was freaking out and totally convinced I was going to be eaten by a shark but after a few more minutes it was so much fun! I was amazed at how warm the water was, how the ocean waves just kinda bop you around gently and how once I stopped being so tense it was actually really relaxing . I was grinning from ear to ear like a kid and I know that because we have pictures from that day and I look like a big cheeser.
That day I wondered how many other things I was missing out on in life due to my fear. Probably quite a bit. I decided that I would be more and more adventurous and that I didn't want to miss out on life. There are still some things I haven't yet overcame but I try to think back on that day in Cabo and remember how scared I was and how once I did it, I LOVED it! The best part is, I'm here today to tell the story and not in the belly of a shark.
Floating around in those big open waters kinda feels like life sometimes does. It was scary, a long way to shore and vulnerable with no footing. But I am reminded that God doesn't create feelings like worry or fear, those are feelings from the enemy. An enemy that wants you to live your live scared, hold you back, make you question you every move and I will not let that enemy have any power in my life. So, when life feels like a big open water and I don't feel like I have my footing I will not worry about the sharks in life, I will give those worries to God and let him be the one in control.
Psalm 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song
Remember that life is a big open water, but the Lord is your strength and shield so but your trust in Him and jump in!! Where can you put your trust in God in your life today and do something that you've been too scared to do because you are afriad of the shark?
We spent the day fishing, tanning, floating along the ocean and watching flying fish. I spent a lot of time with my very heavy smoker German friend. She would smoke and talk and smoke and talk and then start spouting off something in German that I didn't understand but at least it sounded fabulous! I watched my new husband fish and drive the boat like a pro - it was like watching a kid in a candy store and I was so happy he was so happy. It was a picture perfect day! After a several hours in the heat our new friend decided that it was time to stop the boat and go for a swim. My thoughts went to that place where I was convinced this was the part of the day they were going to tie us up and throw us in the ocean. Then I realized Chris could totally take him so that didn't worry me anymore. As soon as they had the chance they climbed to the top of the boat and jumped in the ocean. Now, I'm not too big into swimming in shark infested waters and I don't care what you say but every ocean is shark infested! I was so scared I did not want to go in and I had never swam in the ocean before, not to mention I am not, by any means a strong swimmer. I wasn't the only chicken by the way, Chris was just as scared and if he's scared then that meant I was really scared. He doesn't like the idea of sharks either! We were frozen by fear but also so envious of the fun our new friends were having and it was pretty darn hot out and that water looked so, so refreshing. We were in Mexico, on our honeymoon and on an adventure so after what felt like forever we both just decided to go for it, well Chris first actually, but after he went for it I did too and I jumped in the water!!! Alright, alright, it wasn't that glamorous. I climbed slowly down the ladder and slowly inched myself in with my new German friend shouting encouraging words in German That or she was cussing at me telling me what a baby I was, I'll never know but I'm gonna roll thinking she was encouraging me. The first few minutes I was freaking out and totally convinced I was going to be eaten by a shark but after a few more minutes it was so much fun! I was amazed at how warm the water was, how the ocean waves just kinda bop you around gently and how once I stopped being so tense it was actually really relaxing . I was grinning from ear to ear like a kid and I know that because we have pictures from that day and I look like a big cheeser.
That day I wondered how many other things I was missing out on in life due to my fear. Probably quite a bit. I decided that I would be more and more adventurous and that I didn't want to miss out on life. There are still some things I haven't yet overcame but I try to think back on that day in Cabo and remember how scared I was and how once I did it, I LOVED it! The best part is, I'm here today to tell the story and not in the belly of a shark.
Floating around in those big open waters kinda feels like life sometimes does. It was scary, a long way to shore and vulnerable with no footing. But I am reminded that God doesn't create feelings like worry or fear, those are feelings from the enemy. An enemy that wants you to live your live scared, hold you back, make you question you every move and I will not let that enemy have any power in my life. So, when life feels like a big open water and I don't feel like I have my footing I will not worry about the sharks in life, I will give those worries to God and let him be the one in control.
Psalm 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song
Remember that life is a big open water, but the Lord is your strength and shield so but your trust in Him and jump in!! Where can you put your trust in God in your life today and do something that you've been too scared to do because you are afriad of the shark?
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
When your messes turn into a message
On this day 13 years ago I was 19 years old, 5 months pregnant and about to walk down the isle to commit my life to another person. Right before the bridal march started my dad asked me if I was absolutely sure and reminded me that I didn't have to do it. The fact that he was even saying that was a huge clue that I was about to make a big mistake. A mistake that would ruin my spirit, my self esteem, my finances and create shame for years to come. I knew I wasn't sure but I put on my brave face, walked forward and exchanged vows. A few years after that we grew our family by 1 more and when she was 8 months old he came home one day and asked for a divorce. I can still see myself sitting there, a 3.5 year old sitting by my side, an 8 month old nursing and him standing in front of me telling me that marriage is just too hard. I was in complete shock and I locked myself in the bathroom and had a real big cry. After several minutes I went into survival mode and actually felt a hugh sigh of relief. I was never happy with that person or in that marriage but I made a vow and I refused to break up my family. During the few years of our marriage I knew that I gave it my 100% and that I did my best to keep my side of the street clean. I certainly made mistakes I was able to walk away feeling good about myself. I literally moved out the next day and never looked back. Was it easy? Nope! But being stuck in verbally and physically abusive marriage was much harder. It's kind of scary how such dysfunction can be your normal until you make a new normal. And lets face it, at 19 I was a kid and had no life experience to fall back on or any real relationships before him to know what being treated good felt like.
I spent some time today reflecting on my marriage with Chris and thanked God for the man he brought into my life. I am so happy that I don't live in that hell anymore and couldn't imagine still having that life. I look at where I was and where I am now and I am proud of myself and how I over came. I am proud that I was a single mom of 2 who went from working 20 hours a week and making $10/hr to the successful career I have today. I am proud that I went from my parents, to friends to a Motel 6 to an apartment to being a homeowner today. I am proud that I no longer believe the lies that he used to tell me about how I look, my weight and the person that he told me I was. I am proud that I did it all with no help and made the best choices for me and my kiddos. And I am proud that I was wise enough and felt good enough to allow myself to be loved by a good man when Chris finally came into our lives. I can not talk enough about how perfect God's timing is. I remember thinking I would never marry again and that it wasn't in the cards for me but God's plan for my life was perfect and He had mine and Chris' paths cross at the right time because I was independent at that point, financially comfortable and not in "need" of a man and I was open to receiving love.
I would never suggest that anyone divorce since I'm an advocate of marriage, but I would say that if you have a situation that is ruining the person that God made you to be then that is no place to stay. 10 years ago I didn't have a relationship with Jesus and if I did I'm sure my life would have looked a lot different but these past 10 years were all part of God's plan for my life so he could turn my mess into a message that I would share with others.
I stumbled upon this verse and thought it was so appropriate for what I've shared tonight:
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18
Try to go through your day finding your strength in Jesus and remember that He is for you and not against you. Put your trust and Hope in Him understanding that His plan for your life really is more perfect that any plan you can make for yourself. Believe that with all your heart and watch the changes happen.
xoxo
Monday, January 28, 2013
Who has God made ME to be?
As I've grown more in the church I have heard the term "who God designed you to be" come up quite a bit. More so during events like the Women's Retreat, community groups or while spending one on one time with individuals. This interests me because I really wish I knew who God designed ME to be and since I tend to be kind of a control freak, I'll admit this drives me nuts that I don't have the answer.While praying about this I clearly understood who God doesn't want me to be, so I decided to share that. I figure if I continue on with process of elimination then I might actually get my answer.
Below is what I have discovered He doesn't want me to be:
I honestly think that God is pruning me like crazy before He will let me know who He created me to be! I know the traits I mentioned are ones He defiantly doesn't want me to have because those are the ones he's been pruning in me the most over the last year or so. Sometimes Jesus needs to prune you before you can grow into the complete beauty you were meant to be...I know He has big things planned for me and is doing awesome work and change in me.
Below is what I have discovered He doesn't want me to be:
- Shamed - God doesn't want me to be someone that carries shame or shames myself. This is something I would do often and to the point of self destruction. I have always been way too hard on myself but I have learned there is a difference between holding yourself accountable vs. shaming yourself. The only thing that shame does is separate you from growing in relationship with Jesus. There is a very real enemy that knows just how to shame you but there is a God who loves you and sent His son to die on the cross for you. God is FOR you and hrough being saved we are forgiven and freed and do not need to carry the shame any longer.
- Perfectionist - The great thing about Jesus is He loved sinners (that must be why He and I get along so good! LOL). As a recovering perfectionist I would be such a planner that I would put expectations on people and situations and I tell you what, when life didn't go as planned I would freak out. The life of a perfectionist is full of disappointment because nothing, or no one is every good enough. I am in imperfect person who is loved by a perfect God and there is so much freedom in letting go of things and letting God take control. When you put God first everything else just falls into place. And besides, life it too short to put so many high standards on everything. Pick and choose what's most important but learn to be flexible too.
- A Worrier - Oh my gosh - I wish I could take back all the time I've spent worrying! Worry creates such a panic inside me along with so many ugly emotions that I don't even have time to get in to it all. If there is one thing I know for sure it's that there is a peace that comes with giving it to God. All of it! Whenever something comes my way that causes me to worry I immediately pray about it and turn it over to God. I trust His will and plans for my future and I have been through enough experiences to know that His timing is perfect, and His plans for me are far better than I could have hoped for myself. The more secure in Christ you become the less you worry about things.
- Hurtful - Sometimes I can be such a hurtful person. It can come out when I'm stressed, worried, feeling shameful or maybe things aren't going quite as I planned and man I can lash out. These are the moments I am thankful for new days and the ability to begin again. There are so many verses about loving each other or being slow to anger and they are there for a reason! I know that as I've grown in relationship with Jesus and give my worries to him my hurtful side rears itself less and less. The more I grow in relationship with Jesus the more I mirror Him and He uses me to love others through me. I can show His love and grace by the way I treat the people around me.
I honestly think that God is pruning me like crazy before He will let me know who He created me to be! I know the traits I mentioned are ones He defiantly doesn't want me to have because those are the ones he's been pruning in me the most over the last year or so. Sometimes Jesus needs to prune you before you can grow into the complete beauty you were meant to be...I know He has big things planned for me and is doing awesome work and change in me.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Getting Started
So I'm one of those people in your FaceBook news feed that probably drives you crazy. Yep, I said it. I'm opinionated, wordy and I totally live my life out loud. Since I'm an overshare I decided the best thing I could do is blog! We will see how this goes!
As I mentioned, I tend to be an over-sharer, I'm a tell-it-like-it-is kinda gal and I have big opinions/stories and a big mouth to go with it. Sometimes I'm told my mouth will get me in trouble but I've honestly felt that the more I share and the more vulnerable I feel, the more people appreciate it and are touched, influced, motivated, encouraged, etc. I have been so blessed in my life and have a good one but life is still life and life is messy!! I think as women the best thing we can do is talk about the messy stuff. The messy parts of motherhood, the mess we sometimes feel like when we look in the mirror, the messes we create by our poor actions, etc. Talking about it makes others feel less alone. So, that's my goal of this. I'm excited for you to read my Life Out Loud :)
Disclaimer: I tend to write like I'm thinking so it might be hard to follow or not written well but it will be honest and real.
As I mentioned, I tend to be an over-sharer, I'm a tell-it-like-it-is kinda gal and I have big opinions/stories and a big mouth to go with it. Sometimes I'm told my mouth will get me in trouble but I've honestly felt that the more I share and the more vulnerable I feel, the more people appreciate it and are touched, influced, motivated, encouraged, etc. I have been so blessed in my life and have a good one but life is still life and life is messy!! I think as women the best thing we can do is talk about the messy stuff. The messy parts of motherhood, the mess we sometimes feel like when we look in the mirror, the messes we create by our poor actions, etc. Talking about it makes others feel less alone. So, that's my goal of this. I'm excited for you to read my Life Out Loud :)
Disclaimer: I tend to write like I'm thinking so it might be hard to follow or not written well but it will be honest and real.
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