When your messes turn into a message

On this day 13 years ago I was 19 years old, 5 months pregnant and about to walk down the isle to commit my life to another person. Right before the bridal march started my dad asked me if I was absolutely sure and reminded me that I didn't have to do it. The fact that he was even saying that was a huge clue that I was about to make a big mistake. A mistake that would ruin my spirit, my self esteem, my finances and create shame for years to come. I knew I wasn't sure but I put on my brave face, walked forward and exchanged vows. A few years after that we grew our family by 1 more and when she was 8 months old he came home one day and asked for a divorce. I can still see myself sitting there, a 3.5 year old sitting by my side, an 8 month old nursing and him standing in front of me telling me that marriage is just too hard. I was in complete shock and I locked myself in the bathroom and had a real big cry. After several minutes I went into survival mode and actually felt a hugh sigh of relief. I was never happy with that person or in that marriage but I made a vow and I refused to break up my family. During the few years of our marriage I knew that I gave it my 100% and that I did my best to keep my side of the street clean. I certainly made mistakes I was able to walk away feeling good about myself. I literally moved out the next day and never looked back. Was it easy? Nope! But being stuck in verbally and physically abusive marriage was much harder.  It's kind of scary how such dysfunction can be your normal until you make a new normal. And lets face it, at 19 I was a kid and had no life experience to fall back on or any real relationships before him to know what being treated good felt like.

I spent some time today reflecting on my marriage with Chris and thanked God for the man he brought into my life.  I am so happy that I don't live in that hell anymore and couldn't imagine still having that life. I look at where I was and where I am now and I am proud of myself and how I over came. I am proud that I was a single mom of 2 who went from working 20 hours a week and making $10/hr to the successful career I have today. I am proud that I went from my parents, to friends to a Motel 6 to an apartment to being a homeowner today. I am proud that I no longer believe the lies that he used to tell me about how I look, my weight and the person that he told me I was. I am proud that I did it all with no help and made the best choices for me and my kiddos. And I am  proud that I was wise enough and felt good enough to allow myself to be loved by a good man when Chris finally came into our lives. I can not talk enough about how perfect God's timing is. I remember thinking I would never marry again and that it wasn't in the cards for me but God's plan for my life was perfect and He had mine and Chris' paths cross at the right time because I was independent at that point, financially comfortable and not in "need" of a man and I was open to receiving love.

I would never suggest that anyone divorce since I'm an advocate of marriage, but I would say that if you have a situation that is ruining the person that God made you to be then that is no place to stay. 10 years ago I didn't have a relationship with Jesus and if I did I'm sure my life would have looked a lot different but these past 10 years were all part of God's plan for my life so he could turn my mess into a message that I would share with others.

I stumbled upon this verse and thought it was so appropriate for what I've shared tonight:

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

Try to go through your day finding your strength in Jesus and remember that He is for you and not against you. Put your trust and Hope in Him understanding that His plan for your life really is more perfect that any plan you can make for yourself. Believe that with all your heart and watch the changes happen.

xoxo