When your messes turn into a message

On this day 13 years ago I was 19 years old, 5 months pregnant and about to walk down the isle to commit my life to another person. Right before the bridal march started my dad asked me if I was absolutely sure and reminded me that I didn't have to do it. The fact that he was even saying that was a huge clue that I was about to make a big mistake. A mistake that would ruin my spirit, my self esteem, my finances and create shame for years to come. I knew I wasn't sure but I put on my brave face, walked forward and exchanged vows. A few years after that we grew our family by 1 more and when she was 8 months old he came home one day and asked for a divorce. I can still see myself sitting there, a 3.5 year old sitting by my side, an 8 month old nursing and him standing in front of me telling me that marriage is just too hard. I was in complete shock and I locked myself in the bathroom and had a real big cry. After several minutes I went into survival mode and actually felt a hugh sigh of relief. I was never happy with that person or in that marriage but I made a vow and I refused to break up my family. During the few years of our marriage I knew that I gave it my 100% and that I did my best to keep my side of the street clean. I certainly made mistakes I was able to walk away feeling good about myself. I literally moved out the next day and never looked back. Was it easy? Nope! But being stuck in verbally and physically abusive marriage was much harder.  It's kind of scary how such dysfunction can be your normal until you make a new normal. And lets face it, at 19 I was a kid and had no life experience to fall back on or any real relationships before him to know what being treated good felt like.

I spent some time today reflecting on my marriage with Chris and thanked God for the man he brought into my life.  I am so happy that I don't live in that hell anymore and couldn't imagine still having that life. I look at where I was and where I am now and I am proud of myself and how I over came. I am proud that I was a single mom of 2 who went from working 20 hours a week and making $10/hr to the successful career I have today. I am proud that I went from my parents, to friends to a Motel 6 to an apartment to being a homeowner today. I am proud that I no longer believe the lies that he used to tell me about how I look, my weight and the person that he told me I was. I am proud that I did it all with no help and made the best choices for me and my kiddos. And I am  proud that I was wise enough and felt good enough to allow myself to be loved by a good man when Chris finally came into our lives. I can not talk enough about how perfect God's timing is. I remember thinking I would never marry again and that it wasn't in the cards for me but God's plan for my life was perfect and He had mine and Chris' paths cross at the right time because I was independent at that point, financially comfortable and not in "need" of a man and I was open to receiving love.

I would never suggest that anyone divorce since I'm an advocate of marriage, but I would say that if you have a situation that is ruining the person that God made you to be then that is no place to stay. 10 years ago I didn't have a relationship with Jesus and if I did I'm sure my life would have looked a lot different but these past 10 years were all part of God's plan for my life so he could turn my mess into a message that I would share with others.

I stumbled upon this verse and thought it was so appropriate for what I've shared tonight:

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

Try to go through your day finding your strength in Jesus and remember that He is for you and not against you. Put your trust and Hope in Him understanding that His plan for your life really is more perfect that any plan you can make for yourself. Believe that with all your heart and watch the changes happen.

xoxo

Who has God made ME to be?

As I've grown more in the church I have heard the term "who God designed you to be" come up quite a bit. More so during events like the Women's Retreat, community groups or while spending one on one time with individuals. This interests me because I really wish I knew who God designed ME to be and since I tend to be kind of a control freak, I'll admit this drives me nuts that I don't have the answer.While praying about this I clearly understood who God doesn't want me to be, so I decided to share that. I figure if I continue on with process of elimination then I might actually get my answer.

Below is what I have discovered He doesn't want me to be:

• Shamed - God doesn't want me to be someone that carries shame or shames myself. This is something I would do often and to the point of self destruction. I have always been way too hard on myself but I have learned there is a difference between holding yourself accountable vs. shaming yourself.  The only thing that shame does is separate you from growing in relationship with Jesus. There is a very real enemy that knows just how to shame you but there is a God who loves you and sent His son to die on the cross for you. God is FOR you and hrough being saved we are forgiven and freed and do not need to carry the shame any longer.

• Perfectionist - The great thing about Jesus is He loved sinners (that must be why He and I get along so good! LOL). As a recovering perfectionist I would be such a planner that I would put expectations on people and situations and I tell you what, when life didn't go as planned I would freak out. The life of a perfectionist is full of disappointment because nothing, or no one is every good enough. I am in imperfect person who is loved by a perfect God and there is so much freedom in letting go of things and letting God take control. When you put God first everything else just falls into place. And besides, life it too short to put so many high standards on everything. Pick and choose what's most important but learn to be flexible too.

• A Worrier - Oh my gosh - I wish I could take back all the time I've spent worrying! Worry creates such a panic inside me along with so many ugly emotions that I don't even have time to get in to it all. If there is one thing I know for sure it's that there is a peace that comes with giving it to God. All of it! Whenever something comes my way that causes me to worry I immediately pray about it and turn it over to God. I trust His will and plans for my future and  I have been through enough experiences to know that His timing is perfect, and His plans for me are far better than I could have hoped for myself. The more secure in Christ you become the less you worry about things.

• Hurtful - Sometimes I can be such a hurtful person. It can come out when I'm stressed, worried, feeling shameful or maybe things aren't going quite as I planned and man I can lash out. These are the moments I am thankful for new days and the ability to begin again. There are so many verses about loving each other or being slow to anger and they are there for a reason! I know that as I've grown in relationship with Jesus and give my worries to him my hurtful side rears itself less and less. The more I grow in relationship with Jesus the more I mirror Him and He uses me to love others through me. I can show His love and grace by the way I treat the people around me.

I honestly think that God is pruning me like crazy before He will let me know who He created me to be! I know the traits I mentioned are ones He defiantly doesn't want me to have because those are the ones he's been pruning in me the most over the last year or so. Sometimes Jesus needs to prune you before you can grow into the complete beauty you were meant to be...I know He has big things planned for me and is doing awesome work and change in me.

Getting Started

So I'm one of those people in your FaceBook news feed that probably drives you crazy. Yep, I said it. I'm opinionated, wordy and I totally live my life out loud. Since I'm an overshare I decided the best thing I could do is blog! We will see how this goes!

As I mentioned, I tend to be an over-sharer, I'm a tell-it-like-it-is kinda gal and I have big opinions/stories and a big mouth to go with it. Sometimes I'm told my mouth will get me in trouble but I've honestly felt that the more I share and the more vulnerable I feel, the more people appreciate it and are touched, influced, motivated, encouraged, etc. I have been so blessed in my life and have a good one but life is still life and life is messy!! I think as women the best thing we can do is talk about the messy stuff. The messy parts of motherhood, the mess we sometimes feel like when we look in the mirror, the messes we create by our poor actions, etc. Talking about it makes others feel less alone. So, that's my goal of this. I'm excited for you to read my Life Out Loud :)

Disclaimer: I tend to write like I'm thinking so it might be hard to follow or not written well but it will be honest and real.