May 21, 2014

I woke up this morning just like I do any other day. Rolled over in bed to my dog, got up, got the kiddos off to school but then I came back home. I took that day off to deal with the days events. After a very much unwanted split today was the day that Chris and I were to go to court for the dissolution of our marriage. Divorce.

I know this was coming and he's been gone for 14 months but I didn't quite anticipate today to feel like it did and I certainly didn't anticipate the emotions to surface like that did today.

After I dropped off the kids at school I approached the day like I was going into battle. I went by It's A Grind and got a coffee and a bagel and just sat and thought about my marriage, then I went to Yoga and even during some of the various positions I felt so weak physically and then linked that to feeling weak emotionally. When Chris first left I cried in the shower every morning before work. It was my only place I could fall apart and felt safe to do so. It also allowed me limits to my pain being that I would only allow myself to break down and cry during my shower and then I would face the day strong. I did that for about 6 months until it just stopped. Today I cried in the shower. As I was getting ready for court I was thinking about how it might go and what I wanted to say to him. I changed my outfit about five times wanting to look cute. The guy left me, not to mention he watched me have a baby, has seen me at my worst, has seen me regularly for the pick up and drop off of our daughter so why the hell did I need to look cute today? Probably more for me than him.

When I arrived at court he was already there. It was so bizarre because we chatted like friends the whole day. Not that we hate eachother or that I want to not be friendly but you have to remember that one day we were sitting in the backyard planning a vacation to Hawaii for our anniversary and sharing dreams and two days later his lies surfaced and he tells me he doesn't love me and moves out. Who does that? Really. Who does that? We never talked about the divorce, talked about why or anything else. It was always just a very simple line from him "I don't love you and I want a divorce." If you knew me and my ex-husband and every saw us together or heard how he spoke of me you would be in shock. Not surprised but pure shock. But as I reflect on my marriage I now have no idea what was a truth and what was a lie. There were so, so many lies. So many women, money missing, bills not getting pay, him walking away from his job, him faking that he had a new job, etc. Over the course of 8 years I settled for the answer "I don't know babe but I would never lie to you or hurt you." Well in March of 2013 I don't know didn't cut it for me. Maybe all the times prior I wasn't mentally or emotionally strong enough to push for answers that I was afraid to know and when I finally did push God knew I was at a point that I could handle the truth to be revealed. So back to today and our friendly conversation. It's a weird feeling to sit next to someone for three hours, inches apart, joking and laughing and knowing that you will never really know why he left or why the hell you are even in the seat you're in. It's weird to sit next to someone who treats you as a friend and like the love that once was never even existed.

The clerk called us up and it was our turn for the story of what was once "us" to be ended. It's ironic how they actually ask you to take oath and respond with the words "I do." Interesting choice since it's the same words that roll of the tongue when you're promising forever to the same person. To hear him, within a foot from me say "I do" brought back memories of our wedding day and how in love we were. From the day he left I never cried in front of Chris and had some pride in my strength but today, when the judge asked him if there was any chance of restoration of the marriage through counseling, mediation or any other resources and Chris said no and the judge granted the divorce, I kinda lost it. By lost it I mean I had eyes full of tears and my cheeks were wet from the tears rolling down. I was looking forward so Chris didn't technically see me cry but I know he knew. It felt like a blur, like an outer body experience and the whole time I wanted to scream out loud "I didn't want this!!"

While we waited for the clerk to write up the paperwork the bailiff made a point to talk to us and tell us what a great couple we are and how awesome it is that we are friendly and can sit next to eachother. He told us how great it is for our daughter to see this. I agree that those a all good things but again, what would have been great for our daughter is if her father was not a manipulative liar who deceived the shit out of me and then decided to bail on the life we had planned.  Once again, Chris came off as such a great guy. I've never met anyone who didn't like him. And I came off as a composed, strong woman who was in full cooperation of what was happening. Oh if they all knew...

No marriage is perfect but I really thought mine to Chris was pretty damn close. We had every reason to succeed. We had the support of family, relationships with Jesus, a foundation of God, we shared the same interests and did activities together often and were the best of friends. We really did have all the tools it took to have a great marriage that should have lasted forever. I didn't have the same complaints about my husband that most women do. He seemed like a great man. Apparently, his tools were broken. Very broken. Broken and/of fake.

I got home this evening and had a good cry. I cry not just because I'm sad but because I'm mad. I'm mad that this had to happen. I miss the life I had. I miss the family I had through Chris and all my old friends. I wonder if any of them think of me? It's strange who you can be best of friends with people who will just turn away and never speak to you again, and I wasn't even the one who did any wrong. Damn people are disappointing.... I'm mad that even though we are divorced I still don't feel closure. I have stuffed and been strong for the last 14 months and put so much in to today and anticipated a feeling of relief or something similar to come over me. I learned today that I still have a ways to go through on this journey of grief. I don't feel closure, I don't feel miraculously better. Don't get me wrong here, I don't want Chris back and wouldn't want to be with him and I am much stronger, wiser and better than I was 14 month ago but I there's still healing to be done. What he did and how he did it is just way beyond repair. But, I miss the marriage I thought I had. I wish I had the husband that I thought he was. My heart breaks for the kids. My heart breaks for me. I can say that...my heart breaks for ME. It's time for me to stop stuffing and to probably feel the pain of this. I have people tell me to get over it and to let it go and to them I say screw you. Who are you, or anyone else able to tell someone in pain to just get over it. I will not get over it but I will get through it. Whatever that might look like. I will not allow someone else's discomfort of my pain to make me stuff it any longer. For those that have provided me the love and support (and you know who you are if you're reading this) I thank you so much.

Soon I will sleep. I will say my prayers and continue to thank God for the strength He's given me and ask him for healing. Tomorrow is a new day and I will get to begin again.

God doesn't promise us a pain free life. There's a lot of hurt that can come from sins of others. We all have choices and Chris, well Chris made some really shitty choices. I only hope that I can try to live my life in a way that doesn't cause pain to others. God does promise us the gift of hope and He does have the power to turn any mess into a message. My messy divorce, my messy mothering, my messy mouth, my messy pain is not for nothing. There are BIG messages to come from those messes. Messages of Hope, Strength, Courage, Love, Bravery, Faith, Victory and more! My story isn't over yet, God has so much more planned out for me.

Thanks for sharing my journey.

xoxo
CW

Not a mess.

I really love reading Proverbs 31 Ministry Blogs. For me, they are real, relatable and an easy quick read. So much of what they write about is the day to day stuff that we deal with as women, mothers, girlfriends, wives, etc. Recently I was reading and something was written basically along the lines of having a messy kitchen doesn't define you and make you a mess but it makes you a Christian, loved by Jesus that happens to have a messy kitchen. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it more, it was not a kitchen it was a closet and it was a post from Lysa Terkeurst who is part of the Proverbs 31 Ministry and my friend Heidi posted it on her Facebook page. Anyways, those details don't matter but what does matter is the message. How many of us can relate to this? I know I sure can. I have always put so much pressure on myself for no real reason. Over this last year I have even put more pressure on myself and have felt defined by my mistakes, failures and regrets. Why do we do that as women? Or perhaps it's just me. For example, I personally keep a pretty clean house but I don't ever define myself by the good, accomplishments or triumphs. I don't say to myself "wow I'm a really clean person." Nope. But the minute my house is messy I am quick to say "wow I am such a messy person." In reality I'm not a messy person. I am a busy mom of three that just didn't feel like mopping today. Period. I've been thinking about this a lot and pondering all the lies I tell myself. Quite awhile ago I even blogged about my identity in Christ but it's the day to day stuff that can quickly throw me off track. The messy closet, the job I didn't get, the outbursts towards my kids. Oh how the kid one can cut to the core right? I may have an outburst towards my children but this doesn't make me a bad mom, it makes me a mom having a bad day. I think about he conversations I have with friends, co-workers and family and the things I say to them and the love and support I provide. I don't think my friend who screamed out of frustration at her toddler is a crazy abusive mom. I think she's someone who gets very overwhelmed and had a bad moment. I don't think of my friend who's house is a mess as a dirty person or a messy person. I think of her as someone who doesn't put pressure on herself and kids to keep a tidy home and probably spends more time of value with her children instead of running around cleaning. I don't think of my friend who's dieting and training hard right now along with me as a pig because she has a total cheat day and eats 5 cupcakes. She's someone who a 5 damn cupcake, so what. See but when it comes to myself I think I'm a pig, I think I'm a mess, a bad mom, a failure.. Why am I not able to practice the same kindness to myself that I do for my friends and others? Why do I put so much judgment on myself? I think about this a lot. Easy for you to say to just do it but it's really just not that simple.

God gives me the gift of Grace. I'm undeserving but He gives it anyways. What would happen if I gave myself just a little bit of that same grace that He gives me? What would I look like if I saw myself through my makers eyes? I bet it would look like compassion, empathy, forgiveness. God doesn't look at me and see dirty, ugly, messy or a bad mom. God doesn't shame. Read that again...GOD DOES NOT SHAME. The enemy...oh he's all about the shaming. The enemy wants you to continue to believe the lies, he knows if you feel bad about yourself it will lead to depression, making bad choices for instant gratification and even creating a disconnect between you and Jesus. When you feel shame you don't want to be close to Jesus, at least I don't. I notice on the days that I need Jesus the most is when I typically pull away. Ironic right? When I make bad choices and when I feel down on myself I don't want to face Him but when I get over that and I do reach out to Jesus in prayer or read the word I am always given some truth that makes me feel so much better and I feel His love and His grace. Never once, and I repeat NEVER ONCE have I ever cried out to Jesus and felt shame. Trust me, I've done some dirt but I've never felt shame. Yes, I have felt some healthy humility, I have felt convicted but I have felt LOVED along with it. His truths and words that are written are so clear about His love for me and YOU that it's not even funny.  A love so big that was laid on the cross when He died for my messy sins. Wow.

I really wish I could post this blog and walk away saying I'm not going to define myself any longer by my mistakes. But I will say that I am going to try to change my thinking a little. So my kitchen floor is dirty but it's MINE, so I ate 3 cupcakes, but I killed it at the gym 5 days in a row, so I went off a little on my middle child, but I had a great mother daughter day with her Saturday, so my body is flawed, but it's healthy, so I didn't get the job I wanted, but I am gainfully employed in a position that allows me to provide, so I've got two ex-husbands that left, but I have a God that loves me and will never forsake me and I have so much more good than "mess." If you're someone who's in my personal circle, I encourage you to help hold me accountable, call me out on my negative self talk and remind me to slow my roll a little and spend a little less time stressing over the small stuff. Iron sharpens iron, right? And if you're someone who always defines yourself by a messy closet I encourage you to open the Bible and read the truth. Truth is, your identity is in Christ alone, not your messy closet.


xoxo
CW

She did it anyway...

He text me and asked me if I thought fishing would be a lame first date. Hell no, I replied. A few days later he picked me up and saw that I packed an ice chest full of snacks and beers and told me that he knew I would be the woman for him. We fished the delta that day, it was our first date and the first time I caught a striper.  I was hooked, both on him and the fishing! After that first day we spend every weekend on the Delta, fishing, talking, laughing, fighting or just floating along and not saying a word. We learned about eachother on that boat, we talked about our future, our fears, our faith. He proposed to me in that same very spot I caught my first striper and I'll never forget those days on the water we had together.

It was the week of Christmas and the weather was very ducky. For those non-duck hunters that means it was stormy. Lots of rain and lots of wind. I woke up before him and was dressed and ready to go, just like a kid about to go to Disneyland. We went out during dark and I helped set up decoys in the pitch black and scared to death I did it anyways. We sat in the blind and waiting for the sunrise and oh my, how pretty it was! There isn't much that's prettier than sunrise on a duck blind. The sun sparkled on the pond and we waited and waited for ducks. I watched and listened as he called them in and the ducks would swoop down in a pattern as though they were flirting with us. Flying in, then hesitating and they were costing in the wind. He called them in close enough for a good shot and we both pulled out our shotguns and fired. Ducks went down that day, some where his and he says some were mine, but I am pretty sure they were all his. That day I was hooked, both on duck hunting and on him.

I had been out with him many times deer hunting. Tagged along and helped spot and loved every minute of it. After our daughter was born he took me on a surprise date. We pulled into Bass Pro Shops and I thought to myself WTH are we doing HERE?! We walked up to their archery department and my bow was waiting for me. I thought no way can I do this. What if it snaps me? I don't have the upper body strength to pull it back. What if I release too soon and hurt someone? So many "what ifs." He helped me that day in the indoor range at Bass Pro and after a few arrows flew I was pretty good at this archery thing. I was hooked ever since, both on the bow and on him. Little did I know that very deer season I would take down a buck on opening weekend. Once again, I was hooked on deer hunting and on him.

Over a year has passed and he is gone. I am not hooked on him any longer. But this girl is still hooked on all the things we used to do when we were a "we." No, I didn't grow up hunting. My dad fished and took us, and we went shooting plenty. I had fun but never appreciated it like I do now. I spent the last year wondering if I was ever going to be able to do the things that I loved so much when I was with him. These last few months, I have realized that I can do each of those things without him. I have been lucky to have friends who let me tag along. I fished the Delta, without him...I went turkey hunting, without him...I shot an AR for the first time, without him.... I am kind of living now with the motto "she did it anyway."

A few weeks ago I pulled into Sacramento Valley to meet up with some friends who were shooting and thought I would just hang out and watch. One of my friends had an AR and was trying to get me to shoot it. No way, I hadn't shot a gun since Chris and was in the mindset that I "needed him" in order to shoot. I know it sounds crazy but when you depend on someone so much and they leave you almost feel incapable without them there. My friend persisted and when all else failed I was told that I was a "baby." Nothing like elementary slander to make you prove someone wrong. After I asked about a million questions such as: "how's the recoil?" "what do the shells look like, how big?" "where will the shells eject" and watched the gun fired several times to take note of the recoil, the shell ejection, how much the scope moved (I didn't want scope bite) before I decided to sit in the hot seat. Once I braved myself to sit down it took me forever to find the damn red dot in the scope but once I did I took a deep breath, let it out and squeezed the trigger. I flinched, I felt that I did and my shot was off but my confidence was dead on and I was in LOVE. I was hooked, both on the gun and on the feeling.....That.was.awesome! Can I do it again? And that morning I kept shooting and shooting and shooting. I probably should buy my friends some ammo after all I shot that day! The point is, I did it anyway. I didn't need Chris as my security blanket to do the things that I really enjoy. Life goes on. And, that next week I went out a bought my own AR. I did it anyway....

I was recently at brunch with a set of girlfriends and they saw my Facebook posts with me shooting, turkey hunting, etc. and I was asked "what the hell got into you." I just laughed but since then I spent some time thinking about what exactly got in to me. I concluded that there are phases to divorce and the first phase I spent numb, then I was drunk, then I was stubborn and figured I was just fine, then I was really sad and hurt and now I'm in a phase of "I'll do it anyway."  I am restoring my confidence, building my life without a man and doing what I want for me with or without him. This is really good news because I can't imagine what other phases I have left but whatever comes I will embrace it and roll with it.

I have been fortunate enough that God planted people in my life to give me access to the things that I love so much and to show me that life goes on. I've been provided love and support and had people patient enough with me to allow my confidence to grow.  Now I know that Chris isn't the only person in the world that I need to fish with, or shoot with. I hate to say it but I think I'm doing better without him than I was with him. He babied me way too much, he kept me crawling and now I'm walking. Not running, but walking. Before you know it this girl will be sprinting!

The battle of Motherhood - When Satan Attacks

I grew up in a house of yellers - my mom yelled, my dad yelled and we listened when they did. Looking back, I don't blame them. They raised my brother and I the best they could with the tools that they had to do so. My dad worked very hard for his family and I don't remember ever wanting much and my mom worked part time for the school but was mostly a homemaker. My mom suffered from anxiety and hardly left the house. We didn't do the mother/daughter type things that most moms and daughters do and most of our communication was fighting and yelling.  Now at 34 I really feel compassion for my mom. Knowing what I do about her upbringing and the pain she has dealt with I feel very sad for her. She never learned how to process all that she had gone through and now she's an almost 60 year old woman who still suffers daily.

 I am known to be a yeller. I hate it when I do and I stop myself most of the time and take a pause. Man oh man how the kids can sometimes work my very last nerve. About a month or two ago I had a bad mama flip out. You know the kind where you're out of your body looking in and thinking "what a crazy bitch she is" and then you realize that crazy bitch is YOU! Okay, maybe I'm the only one who does this? But it was a day where I paid all the bills, had some fun planned for the kids seemed not happy enough with whatever it was I planned, the girls were fighting, I burned my forehead with the curling iron and something was said and I went batshit crazy. I yelled, I cried, I said things I can't take back and I stopped dead in my tracks, walked in my room and sat on my bed and sobbed. No, I didn't cry....I SOBBED. My tears were pouring and all I could do was pray. I prayed and prayed and I made my kiddos come in my room and pray with me. I told them I was very sorry for my flip out and that I was an imperfect mom that was learning to be a better mom by a perfect God. My kids may or may not understand that and might just be thinking that mama is a super nut job but I know that it's moments like those that plant the seeds in them. My hope is they see my ownership but also see me turn it over to a big God and notice just how much I need him in my life. Since that day I have been so proud of how much I've controlled myself and not allowed outside stress make me have an ugly tongue! Unfortunately, the better I've gotten the more Satan has been attacking and he's decided to attack me through my 10 year old Audrey. He has been using her to say things that just cut down to the core of me. He uses her sass, tone, nasty comments, carelessness in her words and the ability to hurt my mama heart. I am so very thankful that after the last couple of days I have realized this has been an attack on me and not a sign that my 10 year old just hates me. She doesn't hate me, she loves me and I know this. So tonight I will pray for her and demand that the enemy stay out of my home and away from my daughter and to no longer use her tongue as a weapon against me! If you're reading this I ask for your prayers too!

I really don't know where I am going with all this but this much I know - the closer I have been in relationship with Jesus the more wisdom I have gained. Circumstances that would have set me off before would have kept me in that bad, dark place where now, I recognize truth and cling to that. My mom and dad were loving parents but they never had a relationship with Jesus, at least not one that I knew about. They were believers but not followers. I am not saying I am better than they were but I am saying that my load is much lighter because I am able to turn it over to God. I could give you so many more examples of how Satan attacks me as a mom and I am sure I'll be writing about them as they come up but dammit I refuse to let him reach my children through me or visa versa. Like I said before there is no room in my home for the Enemy!

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Joshua 24:15

Tonight I thank you Jesus for the wisdom you have given me and ask that you continue to grow me as a woman and mother. I thank you for all three of my kiddos and pray for their hearts and that they will continue to get to know you Lord. Amen.

What chapter are we on?

The holidays came and went, the New Year was rung in and the seasons changed. Spring has sprung, the sun is shining and life is good. Damn good. I have had a bit of blockage these last few months and haven't really been sure what to write, what to share, what not to share, etc. But really, at the end of the day it's my release, it's my way to vent and you as the reader can either read or not. I'm letting go of always justifying myself! The fact is this, I've been dealing with my husband (yep, divorce is not final yet so I will call him my husband until May 22, 2014 when it's finalized) walking away from me and the kids after finding out he was a cheat, a liar, a master manipulator if you will and I've been dealing with all the pain that goes with that. The fact is, I'm a single mom of three. The fact is I am scared, I am insecure and I am a mess. But that said I have always said that I want my "mess" (no matter how damn messy) to turn into a message. Which is why I write about - my messes. I guess I stopped awhile ago when someone basically told me I need to "get over it" and insinuated that I sounded "bitter." I heard that and felt shame and felt like I was beating the whole "my husband left me" thing to death. But you know what It's a reality and it's MY reality. I am not bitter (well I have my moments) but yes I am still confused and hurt but not even angry. I refuse to let him have that type of power over me. I am not sitting around crying every day or paralyzed, hell, I'm living life better now than ever. But there is still brokenness, hurt, shame, fear and all sorts of other emotions that go with it and I am dealing with them one by one. Besides, it's my story and I think 10, 15, 20 years from now it will still be my story to tell. The reason I blog so much about it is because it's my mess and also my message and I know that someone needs to hear it and at the very least I need to tell it. My message is one of victory and triumph and my message of God being so faithful and good.

Now that I got that out of the way let me just say I am doing well...I am not the girl I was 14 months ago, not even the girl I was 6 months ago. I have been doing a lot of work on me. Some of that work has been running, some prayer therapy, some trying new things, some impulsiveness, but it's all been part of my journey to heal. I was just walking through my home this evening, all the windows open, candles burning, just planted some flowers, cleaned up and realized how content I was. They say that idleness is the devils playground and oh how it was for me but not really any more. Those moments that I have, some big, some small, show me how much I have healed. Tonight I had one of those moments and I tell ya it feels really good to realize how happy I am with my life and myself.

This girl's story isn't finished. I don't know what chapter I'm on but there's more ahead! Those future chapter's will contain more pain, a ton of fun, some adventure, lots of comedy, possibly some romance and who knows what else but I am far from "the end."

xoxo
CW