I felt like a mess. It was a day where I didn't feel cute, at all, I didn't really even try. I had a bad morning with the kids and felt like the worlds worst mom, all the self-talk I was giving myself that day was negative and by total surprise someone told me how great I looked and asked me how I always do it. I was shocked wondering what the "it" was. She asked me how I work my job, look great and manage be such a good mom and in that moment I had to grab my jaw off the floor. Was she really asking ME that or was she being sarcastic? I didn't know what to say other than I was nothing more than a hot mess! I went on to tell her that I was up 10lbs, wearing a shirt that I didn't know whether it was was dirty or clean, 2 out of 3 of my kids didn't brush their teeth that morning and I yelled at one of them on our way out the door. Then being the over-sharer I am I went on to tell her that I feel like a failure in my job most days and that I never feel like my home is clean enough or like I'm good enough. That same woman stopped me and told me next time, to just say thank you and to not be so hard on myself. Now, don't get me wrong, it's now like I came unglued on some stranger, I have a relationship with this person and the conversation went a little deeper than that but you catch the drift.
That moment, that day, I realized that the way I see myself is far different then the way others see me. And really, it's all about perception.
Something was drilled in me from an early age and I don't know why or where it came from but I am very hard on myself. I told myself to high standards but I also put the same on to others. Not one of my better qualities but something I'm working on. I never feel good enough. I can get 3 new accounts in a week at work but feel like I should have gotten 6. I clean my home daily and still worry it's not clean enough. I can spend quality time with my kiddos but feel like it's not often enough. I am a size 6 but wish I was still a 4 like I was last summer. It's not very fun living in the land of "not good enough." So when that woman clued me in on how I was perceived, it really meant a lot. But beyond that I know that in the eyes of Jesus I am loved, more than enough and can come just as I am.
My identity in Christ states this:
Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
You see that? I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. I am enough and I am loved. I am loved beyond my dirty shirt, my 10 extra pounds or whether or not I will win the prize of Mother of the Year and so are YOU! I am not perfect and I am not expected to be, and neither are YOU! In fact, I am given the chance to begin again at any given moment in my day. Some days I begin again 3, 4, 5 times until I get it right. Some days I don't get it right at all but I go to sleep, wake up and begin a new day knowing that I am not alone and I have God in me and with me...always. Psalm 138:8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands.
I realize that I need to not look at the perception I have of myself because it's not a healthy one. All that negative self talk and being my own worst critic is not good. I also know that while it's flattering for that woman to tell me she sees me as so "together" I can't put my value in her words either because she represents the views of the world, not Christ. Sure, it's a good boost for the day and we all love a compliment from time to time, right? But those flattering compliments are temporary and I know I need to place my self-worth and my value in the way that God perceives me. My identity in Christ will not fade and will not lose value. My identity in Christ tells me that I am clothed in strength and dignity and will laugh without fear for my future. My identity in Christ tells me I am not abandoned. My identity in Christ tells me I am forgiven. My identity in Christ tells me that I am loved, loved just as I am and I am good enough!
Look beyond yourself, look beyond the way others see you or even the way you think they might see you and look to Jesus. He is the truth and the light. Besides, Jesus says come as you are, even if that means you're 10lbs up, didn't brush your kids teeth that morning and have a dirty shirt on. ;)
Praying today that I will become more secure in Christ and realize that I need to define my identity in Him and not in my relationships, my things, my weight, my hair, my job, my children or anything else. And praying that I will grow so that I can see myself and define myself the way God wants me too, so that everything else will fall in to place. Amen.
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