I'm a survivor.

I can honestly say that I have had an amazingly blessed life. I have family that loves and supports me. I have 3 healthy kiddos that have taught me more in the short amount of time they've been in my life than I can ever teach them. I have my own health. I have a job that I really enjoy and think I'm pretty good at. I have a roof over my head that I am proud to call my own. I make more than a little but less than a lot. I work hard to play hard. I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I am blessed! If you knew me well you would know that none of those blessings came easy. Not much in my life has come easy and you know what? I am okay with that. I'm okay because the hard work that I have put out has made the rewards that much more sweeter, the mess that I have endured has turned in to my message and the heartache has taught me an inner strength that I never knew I had and is only possible through my faith.

Recently, as most of you know, my husband decided he wanted a divorce. This came as a total shock to me. I never understood women who said they didn't see it coming and always thought, really?! How could they not see it!!!? But really, in my marriage, I did NOT see it coming. He always told me he was happy, life was good, we were great, blah blah blah. I spend a few minutes a day having a good cry but then I make a choice and I choose to pull up my boot straps, cowgirl up, plug forward and I choose to fight, not flight. When I first revealed to my dad that this was happening one of the things he told me was that I am a survivor. When I have a tragedy hit me, a hard time or a heartache I go right into survival mode. I am a bulldozer and I immediately plug forward. Lucky for my children I am this type of woman because their life maintains normalcy but unfortunate for me I don't get the luxury to just fall apart. I am a fighter, a survivor and I am brave. I believe that this divorce is teaching me so much more about myself than I expected it to:

1. I am a survivor: I have faced a lot in my life and this divorce probably tops the charts for me, but I am surviving. I am surviving mentally, physically, financially and emotionally. I am and I will be okay. I know in time I wont just be surviving this mess but I will come out THRIVING.

2. I am Brave: Those who know me will know that danger is NOT my middle name! I am not too risky and kind of a scaredy cat actually. But ya know what? I am one damn brave woman. It takes a lot of courage to look 3 kiddos in the eyes and tell them it's going to be okay even when you're not so sure yourself. It takes bravery to tell your husband who just revealed multiple affairs that he is loved and can be forgiven as he is walking out the door. It take bravery to smile at that same husband and show him grace when you see him for the drop off/pick up routine. It takes courage to trust God and His plan for my life.

3. It's okay to fall apart: Since I am so stubborn, strong and in survival mode I have to remind myself that it is okay to fall apart. There's not many people I trust to do this around or even feel safe to share my hurt with and it's okay to have those boundaries. However, when my house is empty and kid free it is okay to cry out to Jesus and thank Him for providing me with the ability to be strong and brave and to ask him to comfort me during my hurt. There's nothing wrong with being vulnerable, just be wise with you share it with.

4. I am not broken: I kept feeling so broken like this ruined me but you know what I am not broken and I'm not ruined. My heart might be a little bit, but my faith, my hope and my foundation is not broken. Broken things can be fixed and God is the ultimate healer who mends broken hearts and in time, He will mend mine too. My heart being broke doesn't define me, it's just a piece of me. Just like if I broke my arm it doesn't mean I wouldn't be able to walk...I am still functioning!

5. God is here: My birds eye view is pretty amazing. I look back and see how God positioned me to be okay. My home is mine and mine only. I had just received a raise at work. My faith had grown strong. All of that God provided for me prior to be slapped in the face with divorce. Divorce that was not caused by God but caused by the sin of a man who was being under attack by satan. Satan didn't win this one because God is here and my faith is not shaken. God was with me before the divorce and helped position me so when I was faced with the hurt my reaction was to turn to Him. God is here daily and helping to carry me though this time and unlike any man, God will never abandon me.

The lessons keep coming and I am learning so much in every day. I have spent my whole adult life married and I am using this opportunity to define Christina and I think what I learned and outlined above is a good start. With those truths revealed about myself the foundation is set and it's almost like the hard covers to a book and the other lesson along the way will be the chapters. This divorce will end up being just one very small chapter in my life because God's plans for me are greater than I can ever imagine for myself and there is so much more to be written in my story.

Psalm 31:24: Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon.