The battle of Motherhood - When Satan Attacks

I grew up in a house of yellers - my mom yelled, my dad yelled and we listened when they did. Looking back, I don't blame them. They raised my brother and I the best they could with the tools that they had to do so. My dad worked very hard for his family and I don't remember ever wanting much and my mom worked part time for the school but was mostly a homemaker. My mom suffered from anxiety and hardly left the house. We didn't do the mother/daughter type things that most moms and daughters do and most of our communication was fighting and yelling.  Now at 34 I really feel compassion for my mom. Knowing what I do about her upbringing and the pain she has dealt with I feel very sad for her. She never learned how to process all that she had gone through and now she's an almost 60 year old woman who still suffers daily.

 I am known to be a yeller. I hate it when I do and I stop myself most of the time and take a pause. Man oh man how the kids can sometimes work my very last nerve. About a month or two ago I had a bad mama flip out. You know the kind where you're out of your body looking in and thinking "what a crazy bitch she is" and then you realize that crazy bitch is YOU! Okay, maybe I'm the only one who does this? But it was a day where I paid all the bills, had some fun planned for the kids seemed not happy enough with whatever it was I planned, the girls were fighting, I burned my forehead with the curling iron and something was said and I went batshit crazy. I yelled, I cried, I said things I can't take back and I stopped dead in my tracks, walked in my room and sat on my bed and sobbed. No, I didn't cry....I SOBBED. My tears were pouring and all I could do was pray. I prayed and prayed and I made my kiddos come in my room and pray with me. I told them I was very sorry for my flip out and that I was an imperfect mom that was learning to be a better mom by a perfect God. My kids may or may not understand that and might just be thinking that mama is a super nut job but I know that it's moments like those that plant the seeds in them. My hope is they see my ownership but also see me turn it over to a big God and notice just how much I need him in my life. Since that day I have been so proud of how much I've controlled myself and not allowed outside stress make me have an ugly tongue! Unfortunately, the better I've gotten the more Satan has been attacking and he's decided to attack me through my 10 year old Audrey. He has been using her to say things that just cut down to the core of me. He uses her sass, tone, nasty comments, carelessness in her words and the ability to hurt my mama heart. I am so very thankful that after the last couple of days I have realized this has been an attack on me and not a sign that my 10 year old just hates me. She doesn't hate me, she loves me and I know this. So tonight I will pray for her and demand that the enemy stay out of my home and away from my daughter and to no longer use her tongue as a weapon against me! If you're reading this I ask for your prayers too!

I really don't know where I am going with all this but this much I know - the closer I have been in relationship with Jesus the more wisdom I have gained. Circumstances that would have set me off before would have kept me in that bad, dark place where now, I recognize truth and cling to that. My mom and dad were loving parents but they never had a relationship with Jesus, at least not one that I knew about. They were believers but not followers. I am not saying I am better than they were but I am saying that my load is much lighter because I am able to turn it over to God. I could give you so many more examples of how Satan attacks me as a mom and I am sure I'll be writing about them as they come up but dammit I refuse to let him reach my children through me or visa versa. Like I said before there is no room in my home for the Enemy!

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Joshua 24:15

Tonight I thank you Jesus for the wisdom you have given me and ask that you continue to grow me as a woman and mother. I thank you for all three of my kiddos and pray for their hearts and that they will continue to get to know you Lord. Amen.

What chapter are we on?

The holidays came and went, the New Year was rung in and the seasons changed. Spring has sprung, the sun is shining and life is good. Damn good. I have had a bit of blockage these last few months and haven't really been sure what to write, what to share, what not to share, etc. But really, at the end of the day it's my release, it's my way to vent and you as the reader can either read or not. I'm letting go of always justifying myself! The fact is this, I've been dealing with my husband (yep, divorce is not final yet so I will call him my husband until May 22, 2014 when it's finalized) walking away from me and the kids after finding out he was a cheat, a liar, a master manipulator if you will and I've been dealing with all the pain that goes with that. The fact is, I'm a single mom of three. The fact is I am scared, I am insecure and I am a mess. But that said I have always said that I want my "mess" (no matter how damn messy) to turn into a message. Which is why I write about - my messes. I guess I stopped awhile ago when someone basically told me I need to "get over it" and insinuated that I sounded "bitter." I heard that and felt shame and felt like I was beating the whole "my husband left me" thing to death. But you know what It's a reality and it's MY reality. I am not bitter (well I have my moments) but yes I am still confused and hurt but not even angry. I refuse to let him have that type of power over me. I am not sitting around crying every day or paralyzed, hell, I'm living life better now than ever. But there is still brokenness, hurt, shame, fear and all sorts of other emotions that go with it and I am dealing with them one by one. Besides, it's my story and I think 10, 15, 20 years from now it will still be my story to tell. The reason I blog so much about it is because it's my mess and also my message and I know that someone needs to hear it and at the very least I need to tell it. My message is one of victory and triumph and my message of God being so faithful and good.

Now that I got that out of the way let me just say I am doing well...I am not the girl I was 14 months ago, not even the girl I was 6 months ago. I have been doing a lot of work on me. Some of that work has been running, some prayer therapy, some trying new things, some impulsiveness, but it's all been part of my journey to heal. I was just walking through my home this evening, all the windows open, candles burning, just planted some flowers, cleaned up and realized how content I was. They say that idleness is the devils playground and oh how it was for me but not really any more. Those moments that I have, some big, some small, show me how much I have healed. Tonight I had one of those moments and I tell ya it feels really good to realize how happy I am with my life and myself.

This girl's story isn't finished. I don't know what chapter I'm on but there's more ahead! Those future chapter's will contain more pain, a ton of fun, some adventure, lots of comedy, possibly some romance and who knows what else but I am far from "the end."

xoxo
CW