It's all about perception...God's perception!

I felt like a mess. It was a day where I didn't feel cute, at all, I didn't really even try. I had a bad morning with the kids and felt like the worlds worst mom, all the self-talk I was giving myself that day was negative and by total surprise someone told me how great I looked and asked me how I always do it. I was shocked wondering what the "it" was. She asked me how I work my job, look great and manage be such a good mom and in that moment I had to grab my jaw off the floor. Was she really asking ME that or was she being sarcastic? I didn't know what to say other than I was nothing more than a hot mess! I went on to tell her that I was up 10lbs, wearing a shirt that I didn't know whether it was was dirty or clean, 2 out of 3 of my kids didn't brush their teeth that morning and I yelled at one of them on our way out the door. Then being the over-sharer I am I went on to tell her that I feel like a failure in my job most days and that I never feel like my home is clean enough or like I'm good enough. That same woman stopped me and told me next time, to just say thank you and to not be so hard on myself. Now, don't get me wrong,  it's now like I came unglued on some stranger, I have a relationship with this person and the conversation went a little deeper than that but you catch the drift.

That moment, that day, I realized that the way I see myself is far different then the way others see me. And really, it's all about perception.

Something was drilled in me from an early age and I don't know why or where it came from but I am very hard on myself. I told myself to high standards but I also put the same on to others. Not one of my better qualities but something I'm working on. I never feel good enough. I can get 3 new accounts in a week at work but feel like I should have gotten 6. I clean my home daily and still worry it's not clean enough. I can spend quality time with my kiddos but feel like it's not often enough. I am a size 6 but wish I was still a 4 like I was last summer. It's not very fun living in the land of "not good enough." So when that woman clued me in on how I was perceived, it really meant a lot. But beyond that I know that in the eyes of Jesus I am loved, more than enough and can come just as I am.

My identity in Christ states this:

Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

You see that? I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. I am enough and I am loved. I am loved beyond my dirty shirt, my 10 extra pounds or whether or not I will win the prize of Mother of the Year and so are YOU! I am not perfect and I am not expected to be, and neither are YOU! In fact, I am given the chance to begin again at any given moment in my day. Some days I begin again 3, 4, 5 times until I get it right. Some days I don't get it right at all but I go to sleep, wake up and begin a new day knowing that I am not alone and I have God in me and with me...always. Psalm 138:8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands.

I realize that I need to not look at the perception I have of myself because it's not a healthy one. All that negative self talk and being my own worst critic is not good. I also know that while it's flattering for that woman to tell me she sees me as so "together" I can't put my value in her words either because she represents the views of the world, not Christ. Sure, it's a good boost for the day and we all love a compliment from time to time, right? But those flattering compliments are temporary and I know I need to place my self-worth and my value in the way that God perceives me. My identity in Christ will not fade and will not lose value. My identity in Christ tells me that I am clothed in strength and dignity and will laugh without fear for my future. My identity in Christ tells me I am not abandoned. My identity in Christ tells me I am forgiven. My identity in Christ tells me that I am loved, loved just as I am and I am good enough!

Look beyond yourself, look beyond the way others see you or even the way you think they might see you and look to Jesus. He is the truth and the light. Besides, Jesus says come as you are, even if that means you're 10lbs up, didn't brush your kids teeth that morning and have a dirty shirt on. ;)

Praying today that I will become more secure in Christ and realize that I need to define my identity in Him and not in my relationships, my things, my weight, my hair, my job, my children or anything else. And praying that I will grow so that I can see myself and define myself the way God wants me too, so that everything else will fall in to place. Amen.

I'm a survivor.

I can honestly say that I have had an amazingly blessed life. I have family that loves and supports me. I have 3 healthy kiddos that have taught me more in the short amount of time they've been in my life than I can ever teach them. I have my own health. I have a job that I really enjoy and think I'm pretty good at. I have a roof over my head that I am proud to call my own. I make more than a little but less than a lot. I work hard to play hard. I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I am blessed! If you knew me well you would know that none of those blessings came easy. Not much in my life has come easy and you know what? I am okay with that. I'm okay because the hard work that I have put out has made the rewards that much more sweeter, the mess that I have endured has turned in to my message and the heartache has taught me an inner strength that I never knew I had and is only possible through my faith.

Recently, as most of you know, my husband decided he wanted a divorce. This came as a total shock to me. I never understood women who said they didn't see it coming and always thought, really?! How could they not see it!!!? But really, in my marriage, I did NOT see it coming. He always told me he was happy, life was good, we were great, blah blah blah. I spend a few minutes a day having a good cry but then I make a choice and I choose to pull up my boot straps, cowgirl up, plug forward and I choose to fight, not flight. When I first revealed to my dad that this was happening one of the things he told me was that I am a survivor. When I have a tragedy hit me, a hard time or a heartache I go right into survival mode. I am a bulldozer and I immediately plug forward. Lucky for my children I am this type of woman because their life maintains normalcy but unfortunate for me I don't get the luxury to just fall apart. I am a fighter, a survivor and I am brave. I believe that this divorce is teaching me so much more about myself than I expected it to:

1. I am a survivor: I have faced a lot in my life and this divorce probably tops the charts for me, but I am surviving. I am surviving mentally, physically, financially and emotionally. I am and I will be okay. I know in time I wont just be surviving this mess but I will come out THRIVING.

2. I am Brave: Those who know me will know that danger is NOT my middle name! I am not too risky and kind of a scaredy cat actually. But ya know what? I am one damn brave woman. It takes a lot of courage to look 3 kiddos in the eyes and tell them it's going to be okay even when you're not so sure yourself. It takes bravery to tell your husband who just revealed multiple affairs that he is loved and can be forgiven as he is walking out the door. It take bravery to smile at that same husband and show him grace when you see him for the drop off/pick up routine. It takes courage to trust God and His plan for my life.

3. It's okay to fall apart: Since I am so stubborn, strong and in survival mode I have to remind myself that it is okay to fall apart. There's not many people I trust to do this around or even feel safe to share my hurt with and it's okay to have those boundaries. However, when my house is empty and kid free it is okay to cry out to Jesus and thank Him for providing me with the ability to be strong and brave and to ask him to comfort me during my hurt. There's nothing wrong with being vulnerable, just be wise with you share it with.

4. I am not broken: I kept feeling so broken like this ruined me but you know what I am not broken and I'm not ruined. My heart might be a little bit, but my faith, my hope and my foundation is not broken. Broken things can be fixed and God is the ultimate healer who mends broken hearts and in time, He will mend mine too. My heart being broke doesn't define me, it's just a piece of me. Just like if I broke my arm it doesn't mean I wouldn't be able to walk...I am still functioning!

5. God is here: My birds eye view is pretty amazing. I look back and see how God positioned me to be okay. My home is mine and mine only. I had just received a raise at work. My faith had grown strong. All of that God provided for me prior to be slapped in the face with divorce. Divorce that was not caused by God but caused by the sin of a man who was being under attack by satan. Satan didn't win this one because God is here and my faith is not shaken. God was with me before the divorce and helped position me so when I was faced with the hurt my reaction was to turn to Him. God is here daily and helping to carry me though this time and unlike any man, God will never abandon me.

The lessons keep coming and I am learning so much in every day. I have spent my whole adult life married and I am using this opportunity to define Christina and I think what I learned and outlined above is a good start. With those truths revealed about myself the foundation is set and it's almost like the hard covers to a book and the other lesson along the way will be the chapters. This divorce will end up being just one very small chapter in my life because God's plans for me are greater than I can ever imagine for myself and there is so much more to be written in my story.

Psalm 31:24: Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon.