What a difference a year makes...

I remember this time last year, I was married to Chris and we were living with his parents waiting anxiously for the house to close. December 6, 2012 I was handed the keys to my first home. We were so excited, celebrating, shopping for new home items, picking out paint colors and decor together and spending evenings in the backyard talking about all the things were were going to do to the house, the memories we would create and so on. Little did I know that just three months later his affairs and lies would unfold and I would realize the dreams that I shared with that man would never come true....

Fast forward to today as I approach one year in the home that we picked out together...Since then I have made it my own. I have had help from friends with decorating, help from family with little projects around the house and the strength within myself  that has come from Jesus to keep dreaming. Chris may have shattered the dreams we shared but he didn't steal my hope and he certainly didn't take away my ability to dream. Entering the holidays isn't easy but I am trying to celebrate new dreams, new memories and still have a home that is full of love. I had someone from my church tell me that the first year is the hardest and going through all the firsts without Chris would trigger hurt and sadness, well she was right. Just the other day when going through Christmas ornaments I saw all of our personalized ones that included our family names and the one I had made for him to mark our first Christmas together. That punched in the gut feeling came back and yep, I cried. The good news is the tears are further and father between and come and go quickly. Eight months ago when he left I was having a min meltdown and a good friend told me to cowgirl up so I did just that. I made a choice to now allow Chris or the divorce to break me or have that type of control of me. Nope, not gonna let it happen. I am told all the time that I seem to be doing "so well." When I'm told that it almost feels like an old lady tapping a puppy on the head saying "there, there." I would like to respond and say how the hell else should I be doing? I am not sure if people were expecting me to fall apart but if they were they clearly don't know me that well. Perhaps I should take it as a compliment but even then, that would mean they don't know me that well either because if they think I am doing "so well" then that just means they haven't taken the time to do a heart check on me. Besides, I don't have the luxury to not do well. Nope. I have three children that need me, a job that depends on me, a mortgage and other bills to pay. Failure and falling apart is just not an option and never has been for me. To stop having dreams and hopes is also not an option. Without hope you have nothing.

I guess what I am trying to say is a man can steal your heart, a man can shattered shared dreams but a man can not steal your hope, your joy or your dreams. A man should be nothing more than an awesome addition to your already secure, stable, independent self. And if you aren't those things, then dammit you fake it until you believe it.

Lastly, as I enter the holidays and have spent the last few days dinking around the house I couldn't help but reflect on the irony of what a difference a year makes and how December 2013 looks absolutely nothing like I thought it would but I still really, really like the view as I sit here today. New dreams, new memories, new adventures and it's ok!