The holidays came and went, the New Year was rung in and the seasons changed. Spring has sprung, the sun is shining and life is good. Damn good. I have had a bit of blockage these last few months and haven't really been sure what to write, what to share, what not to share, etc. But really, at the end of the day it's my release, it's my way to vent and you as the reader can either read or not. I'm letting go of always justifying myself! The fact is this, I've been dealing with my husband (yep, divorce is not final yet so I will call him my husband until May 22, 2014 when it's finalized) walking away from me and the kids after finding out he was a cheat, a liar, a master manipulator if you will and I've been dealing with all the pain that goes with that. The fact is, I'm a single mom of three. The fact is I am scared, I am insecure and I am a mess. But that said I have always said that I want my "mess" (no matter how damn messy) to turn into a message. Which is why I write about - my messes. I guess I stopped awhile ago when someone basically told me I need to "get over it" and insinuated that I sounded "bitter." I heard that and felt shame and felt like I was beating the whole "my husband left me" thing to death. But you know what It's a reality and it's MY reality. I am not bitter (well I have my moments) but yes I am still confused and hurt but not even angry. I refuse to let him have that type of power over me. I am not sitting around crying every day or paralyzed, hell, I'm living life better now than ever. But there is still brokenness, hurt, shame, fear and all sorts of other emotions that go with it and I am dealing with them one by one. Besides, it's my story and I think 10, 15, 20 years from now it will still be my story to tell. The reason I blog so much about it is because it's my mess and also my message and I know that someone needs to hear it and at the very least I need to tell it. My message is one of victory and triumph and my message of God being so faithful and good.
Now that I got that out of the way let me just say I am doing well...I am not the girl I was 14 months ago, not even the girl I was 6 months ago. I have been doing a lot of work on me. Some of that work has been running, some prayer therapy, some trying new things, some impulsiveness, but it's all been part of my journey to heal. I was just walking through my home this evening, all the windows open, candles burning, just planted some flowers, cleaned up and realized how content I was. They say that idleness is the devils playground and oh how it was for me but not really any more. Those moments that I have, some big, some small, show me how much I have healed. Tonight I had one of those moments and I tell ya it feels really good to realize how happy I am with my life and myself.
This girl's story isn't finished. I don't know what chapter I'm on but there's more ahead! Those future chapter's will contain more pain, a ton of fun, some adventure, lots of comedy, possibly some romance and who knows what else but I am far from "the end."
xoxo
CW
No comments:
Post a Comment