I woke up this morning just like I do any other day. Rolled over in bed to my dog, got up, got the kiddos off to school but then I came back home. I took that day off to deal with the days events. After a very much unwanted split today was the day that Chris and I were to go to court for the dissolution of our marriage. Divorce.
I know this was coming and he's been gone for 14 months but I didn't quite anticipate today to feel like it did and I certainly didn't anticipate the emotions to surface like that did today.
After I dropped off the kids at school I approached the day like I was going into battle. I went by It's A Grind and got a coffee and a bagel and just sat and thought about my marriage, then I went to Yoga and even during some of the various positions I felt so weak physically and then linked that to feeling weak emotionally. When Chris first left I cried in the shower every morning before work. It was my only place I could fall apart and felt safe to do so. It also allowed me limits to my pain being that I would only allow myself to break down and cry during my shower and then I would face the day strong. I did that for about 6 months until it just stopped. Today I cried in the shower. As I was getting ready for court I was thinking about how it might go and what I wanted to say to him. I changed my outfit about five times wanting to look cute. The guy left me, not to mention he watched me have a baby, has seen me at my worst, has seen me regularly for the pick up and drop off of our daughter so why the hell did I need to look cute today? Probably more for me than him.
When I arrived at court he was already there. It was so bizarre because we chatted like friends the whole day. Not that we hate eachother or that I want to not be friendly but you have to remember that one day we were sitting in the backyard planning a vacation to Hawaii for our anniversary and sharing dreams and two days later his lies surfaced and he tells me he doesn't love me and moves out. Who does that? Really. Who does that? We never talked about the divorce, talked about why or anything else. It was always just a very simple line from him "I don't love you and I want a divorce." If you knew me and my ex-husband and every saw us together or heard how he spoke of me you would be in shock. Not surprised but pure shock. But as I reflect on my marriage I now have no idea what was a truth and what was a lie. There were so, so many lies. So many women, money missing, bills not getting pay, him walking away from his job, him faking that he had a new job, etc. Over the course of 8 years I settled for the answer "I don't know babe but I would never lie to you or hurt you." Well in March of 2013 I don't know didn't cut it for me. Maybe all the times prior I wasn't mentally or emotionally strong enough to push for answers that I was afraid to know and when I finally did push God knew I was at a point that I could handle the truth to be revealed. So back to today and our friendly conversation. It's a weird feeling to sit next to someone for three hours, inches apart, joking and laughing and knowing that you will never really know why he left or why the hell you are even in the seat you're in. It's weird to sit next to someone who treats you as a friend and like the love that once was never even existed.
The clerk called us up and it was our turn for the story of what was once "us" to be ended. It's ironic how they actually ask you to take oath and respond with the words "I do." Interesting choice since it's the same words that roll of the tongue when you're promising forever to the same person. To hear him, within a foot from me say "I do" brought back memories of our wedding day and how in love we were. From the day he left I never cried in front of Chris and had some pride in my strength but today, when the judge asked him if there was any chance of restoration of the marriage through counseling, mediation or any other resources and Chris said no and the judge granted the divorce, I kinda lost it. By lost it I mean I had eyes full of tears and my cheeks were wet from the tears rolling down. I was looking forward so Chris didn't technically see me cry but I know he knew. It felt like a blur, like an outer body experience and the whole time I wanted to scream out loud "I didn't want this!!"
While we waited for the clerk to write up the paperwork the bailiff made a point to talk to us and tell us what a great couple we are and how awesome it is that we are friendly and can sit next to eachother. He told us how great it is for our daughter to see this. I agree that those a all good things but again, what would have been great for our daughter is if her father was not a manipulative liar who deceived the shit out of me and then decided to bail on the life we had planned. Once again, Chris came off as such a great guy. I've never met anyone who didn't like him. And I came off as a composed, strong woman who was in full cooperation of what was happening. Oh if they all knew...
No marriage is perfect but I really thought mine to Chris was pretty damn close. We had every reason to succeed. We had the support of family, relationships with Jesus, a foundation of God, we shared the same interests and did activities together often and were the best of friends. We really did have all the tools it took to have a great marriage that should have lasted forever. I didn't have the same complaints about my husband that most women do. He seemed like a great man. Apparently, his tools were broken. Very broken. Broken and/of fake.
I got home this evening and had a good cry. I cry not just because I'm sad but because I'm mad. I'm mad that this had to happen. I miss the life I had. I miss the family I had through Chris and all my old friends. I wonder if any of them think of me? It's strange who you can be best of friends with people who will just turn away and never speak to you again, and I wasn't even the one who did any wrong. Damn people are disappointing.... I'm mad that even though we are divorced I still don't feel closure. I have stuffed and been strong for the last 14 months and put so much in to today and anticipated a feeling of relief or something similar to come over me. I learned today that I still have a ways to go through on this journey of grief. I don't feel closure, I don't feel miraculously better. Don't get me wrong here, I don't want Chris back and wouldn't want to be with him and I am much stronger, wiser and better than I was 14 month ago but I there's still healing to be done. What he did and how he did it is just way beyond repair. But, I miss the marriage I thought I had. I wish I had the husband that I thought he was. My heart breaks for the kids. My heart breaks for me. I can say that...my heart breaks for ME. It's time for me to stop stuffing and to probably feel the pain of this. I have people tell me to get over it and to let it go and to them I say screw you. Who are you, or anyone else able to tell someone in pain to just get over it. I will not get over it but I will get through it. Whatever that might look like. I will not allow someone else's discomfort of my pain to make me stuff it any longer. For those that have provided me the love and support (and you know who you are if you're reading this) I thank you so much.
Soon I will sleep. I will say my prayers and continue to thank God for the strength He's given me and ask him for healing. Tomorrow is a new day and I will get to begin again.
God doesn't promise us a pain free life. There's a lot of hurt that can come from sins of others. We all have choices and Chris, well Chris made some really shitty choices. I only hope that I can try to live my life in a way that doesn't cause pain to others. God does promise us the gift of hope and He does have the power to turn any mess into a message. My messy divorce, my messy mothering, my messy mouth, my messy pain is not for nothing. There are BIG messages to come from those messes. Messages of Hope, Strength, Courage, Love, Bravery, Faith, Victory and more! My story isn't over yet, God has so much more planned out for me.
Thanks for sharing my journey.
xoxo
CW
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