The battle of Motherhood - When Satan Attacks

I grew up in a house of yellers - my mom yelled, my dad yelled and we listened when they did. Looking back, I don't blame them. They raised my brother and I the best they could with the tools that they had to do so. My dad worked very hard for his family and I don't remember ever wanting much and my mom worked part time for the school but was mostly a homemaker. My mom suffered from anxiety and hardly left the house. We didn't do the mother/daughter type things that most moms and daughters do and most of our communication was fighting and yelling.  Now at 34 I really feel compassion for my mom. Knowing what I do about her upbringing and the pain she has dealt with I feel very sad for her. She never learned how to process all that she had gone through and now she's an almost 60 year old woman who still suffers daily.

 I am known to be a yeller. I hate it when I do and I stop myself most of the time and take a pause. Man oh man how the kids can sometimes work my very last nerve. About a month or two ago I had a bad mama flip out. You know the kind where you're out of your body looking in and thinking "what a crazy bitch she is" and then you realize that crazy bitch is YOU! Okay, maybe I'm the only one who does this? But it was a day where I paid all the bills, had some fun planned for the kids seemed not happy enough with whatever it was I planned, the girls were fighting, I burned my forehead with the curling iron and something was said and I went batshit crazy. I yelled, I cried, I said things I can't take back and I stopped dead in my tracks, walked in my room and sat on my bed and sobbed. No, I didn't cry....I SOBBED. My tears were pouring and all I could do was pray. I prayed and prayed and I made my kiddos come in my room and pray with me. I told them I was very sorry for my flip out and that I was an imperfect mom that was learning to be a better mom by a perfect God. My kids may or may not understand that and might just be thinking that mama is a super nut job but I know that it's moments like those that plant the seeds in them. My hope is they see my ownership but also see me turn it over to a big God and notice just how much I need him in my life. Since that day I have been so proud of how much I've controlled myself and not allowed outside stress make me have an ugly tongue! Unfortunately, the better I've gotten the more Satan has been attacking and he's decided to attack me through my 10 year old Audrey. He has been using her to say things that just cut down to the core of me. He uses her sass, tone, nasty comments, carelessness in her words and the ability to hurt my mama heart. I am so very thankful that after the last couple of days I have realized this has been an attack on me and not a sign that my 10 year old just hates me. She doesn't hate me, she loves me and I know this. So tonight I will pray for her and demand that the enemy stay out of my home and away from my daughter and to no longer use her tongue as a weapon against me! If you're reading this I ask for your prayers too!

I really don't know where I am going with all this but this much I know - the closer I have been in relationship with Jesus the more wisdom I have gained. Circumstances that would have set me off before would have kept me in that bad, dark place where now, I recognize truth and cling to that. My mom and dad were loving parents but they never had a relationship with Jesus, at least not one that I knew about. They were believers but not followers. I am not saying I am better than they were but I am saying that my load is much lighter because I am able to turn it over to God. I could give you so many more examples of how Satan attacks me as a mom and I am sure I'll be writing about them as they come up but dammit I refuse to let him reach my children through me or visa versa. Like I said before there is no room in my home for the Enemy!

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Joshua 24:15

Tonight I thank you Jesus for the wisdom you have given me and ask that you continue to grow me as a woman and mother. I thank you for all three of my kiddos and pray for their hearts and that they will continue to get to know you Lord. Amen.