He text me and asked me if I thought fishing would be a lame first date. Hell no, I replied. A few days later he picked me up and saw that I packed an ice chest full of snacks and beers and told me that he knew I would be the woman for him. We fished the delta that day, it was our first date and the first time I caught a striper. I was hooked, both on him and the fishing! After that first day we spend every weekend on the Delta, fishing, talking, laughing, fighting or just floating along and not saying a word. We learned about eachother on that boat, we talked about our future, our fears, our faith. He proposed to me in that same very spot I caught my first striper and I'll never forget those days on the water we had together.
It was the week of Christmas and the weather was very ducky. For those non-duck hunters that means it was stormy. Lots of rain and lots of wind. I woke up before him and was dressed and ready to go, just like a kid about to go to Disneyland. We went out during dark and I helped set up decoys in the pitch black and scared to death I did it anyways. We sat in the blind and waiting for the sunrise and oh my, how pretty it was! There isn't much that's prettier than sunrise on a duck blind. The sun sparkled on the pond and we waited and waited for ducks. I watched and listened as he called them in and the ducks would swoop down in a pattern as though they were flirting with us. Flying in, then hesitating and they were costing in the wind. He called them in close enough for a good shot and we both pulled out our shotguns and fired. Ducks went down that day, some where his and he says some were mine, but I am pretty sure they were all his. That day I was hooked, both on duck hunting and on him.
I had been out with him many times deer hunting. Tagged along and helped spot and loved every minute of it. After our daughter was born he took me on a surprise date. We pulled into Bass Pro Shops and I thought to myself WTH are we doing HERE?! We walked up to their archery department and my bow was waiting for me. I thought no way can I do this. What if it snaps me? I don't have the upper body strength to pull it back. What if I release too soon and hurt someone? So many "what ifs." He helped me that day in the indoor range at Bass Pro and after a few arrows flew I was pretty good at this archery thing. I was hooked ever since, both on the bow and on him. Little did I know that very deer season I would take down a buck on opening weekend. Once again, I was hooked on deer hunting and on him.
Over a year has passed and he is gone. I am not hooked on him any longer. But this girl is still hooked on all the things we used to do when we were a "we." No, I didn't grow up hunting. My dad fished and took us, and we went shooting plenty. I had fun but never appreciated it like I do now. I spent the last year wondering if I was ever going to be able to do the things that I loved so much when I was with him. These last few months, I have realized that I can do each of those things without him. I have been lucky to have friends who let me tag along. I fished the Delta, without him...I went turkey hunting, without him...I shot an AR for the first time, without him.... I am kind of living now with the motto "she did it anyway."
A few weeks ago I pulled into Sacramento Valley to meet up with some friends who were shooting and thought I would just hang out and watch. One of my friends had an AR and was trying to get me to shoot it. No way, I hadn't shot a gun since Chris and was in the mindset that I "needed him" in order to shoot. I know it sounds crazy but when you depend on someone so much and they leave you almost feel incapable without them there. My friend persisted and when all else failed I was told that I was a "baby." Nothing like elementary slander to make you prove someone wrong. After I asked about a million questions such as: "how's the recoil?" "what do the shells look like, how big?" "where will the shells eject" and watched the gun fired several times to take note of the recoil, the shell ejection, how much the scope moved (I didn't want scope bite) before I decided to sit in the hot seat. Once I braved myself to sit down it took me forever to find the damn red dot in the scope but once I did I took a deep breath, let it out and squeezed the trigger. I flinched, I felt that I did and my shot was off but my confidence was dead on and I was in LOVE. I was hooked, both on the gun and on the feeling.....That.was.awesome! Can I do it again? And that morning I kept shooting and shooting and shooting. I probably should buy my friends some ammo after all I shot that day! The point is, I did it anyway. I didn't need Chris as my security blanket to do the things that I really enjoy. Life goes on. And, that next week I went out a bought my own AR. I did it anyway....
I was recently at brunch with a set of girlfriends and they saw my Facebook posts with me shooting, turkey hunting, etc. and I was asked "what the hell got into you." I just laughed but since then I spent some time thinking about what exactly got in to me. I concluded that there are phases to divorce and the first phase I spent numb, then I was drunk, then I was stubborn and figured I was just fine, then I was really sad and hurt and now I'm in a phase of "I'll do it anyway." I am restoring my confidence, building my life without a man and doing what I want for me with or without him. This is really good news because I can't imagine what other phases I have left but whatever comes I will embrace it and roll with it.
I have been fortunate enough that God planted people in my life to give me access to the things that I love so much and to show me that life goes on. I've been provided love and support and had people patient enough with me to allow my confidence to grow. Now I know that Chris isn't the only person in the world that I need to fish with, or shoot with. I hate to say it but I think I'm doing better without him than I was with him. He babied me way too much, he kept me crawling and now I'm walking. Not running, but walking. Before you know it this girl will be sprinting!
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