I suppose it's time to admit publicly that after almost two years (it will be two years in just 5 days) since my husband left I have put my toes in the water with dating. I gotta tell you I never really "dated." I mean, I've always had a boyfriend but it sorta just came to me and this dating thing - well it's a whole new beast. Not to mention the social media stalking, the texts vs. phone calls and the game of it all is pretty frightful. Let me back up...Right when he left I did date for a hot second just to know I could and well that was a disaster. Not only was I not healthy or ready I was also at a point of very low confidence and let's just say I made bad choices and really settled for some weridos. Needless to say, it was a very short period of time and made me realize that it just wasn't worth it. The bad experiences combined with my hardened heart just left me with my mind convinced I had given up on love, hell, I had given up on even like.
A few months ago I was at lunch with a coworker who I would also consider a friend. He had suggested I put myself out there and start dating. I don't go out much and when I do I am never, and I really do mean never approached or hit on. Now I've had people give me their theories on the subject and for awhile I figured boys just thought I was ugly but now I realize boys are just scared of me. As they should be. :) So my buddy grabbed my phone and set me up online. I figured what the heck, if anything it would be a distraction, perhaps it could be fun to get a little attention and also might be fun to actually date like a grown up. I know this sounds crazy but during this time I was going through some pretty intense counseling where I was learning a ton about myself and I decided that as I got healthy I wanted to try things differently and surprisingly, you would be amazed at how differently you handle things when you are healthy. That said, I was pretty selective with the fellas and well, I still am.
This whole online dating thing is kind of a social experiment. It's like I'm chiseling away at the men. I will receive a ton of connections but honestly I rule them out pretty quick if they aren't attractive, have a douche bag bathroom or gym selfie, have a picture with a motorcycle (sorry, but why waste my time with someone that has a hobby I wont enjoy too), is throwing up any type of hand gesture in the pic or immediately approaches me with a name like doll, baby, sweetie, etc. Can you say barf? So ruling out those things alone leaves me with about 10% of the guys who contacted me. Now the fun begins, he messages me, I message him bla bla bla. If there is any mention of sex in the first few messages I am out. You would be surprised how many people just try to hook up. Ummm, no thanks. Now we are down to just a few guys. These ones seem to be decent but this is where the fact finding comes in. My career is in sales so naturally I can talk to anyone and I'm really good at asking probing questions. That combined with my gift of discernment enables me to have a pretty awesome Douche Meter. However, there are those times that a douche will slide through and that's always a bummer.
After a few months at this dating thing I now feel like an expert! Haha That said, I thought it might be handy for me to point out a few tips for the fellas. I mean, if they don't know what they don't know then how are they supposed to know? So, let me be that little fairy godmother of dating and allow you to use my experiences that I have had in my short lived dating career to help out the guys and hopefully this circles back somehow to helping women because hopefully they will take my advice and share it in mens bathrooms across America! Annnnnnnnnnnd, you're welcome. By the way, I am offline and no longer dating for the record. It was fun for a second but frankly it's exhausting and I still believe that it's all about timing and connection. I'm convinced I'll be at the store one day without my kids (3 kids in tow probably isn't the most approachable thing) and I'll look up and he'll look up and BOOM it will be magic. Meh, maybe not but God knows my heart and has a plan for me that will one day involve a tall, very handsome and very gainfully employed man. Until then, I've gained a few fun stories to tell and met one person in specific that truly left an impression.
So fellas here are my tips for you. Take them in but don't take them personal if you're guilty of one or more of these things. Just know better and do better and if you follow my advice I'm sure it can't hurt!
Here ya go boys:
1. If you're online reevaluate your pictures. Bathroom and gym selfies gotta go. If you have a ton of kids we don't want to see them, tell us about them later. If you have a drink in your hand in every picture, take it down - a mature woman doesn't want a frat boy and for heavens sake, please put your shirt on. Here's the deal, if you're body isn't that hot we don't want to know and if it is that hot we don't want to feel totally intimated that we aren't gym rats too.
2. This should be number one buuuuuuuuuuuut, if you are married, with someone, split up but "working on it" or anything close to those, you should not be online actively looking to meet other women. The ol bait and switch sucks for us. There's nothing worse than investing time getting to know someone who really isn't emotionally or even physically available. It sucks, it hurts and it's wrong. If you need an ego boost or a distraction because you're in a lull in your relationship then you need to work on that within yourself and not seek it online.
3. Let's talk about sex. NOT! Why oh why do so many men feel the need to discuss sex so soon. Wait, I know, it's how you're wired. Listen guys, the perception out there is online is for hook ups only so it's natural for a girl who doesn't want that to make it known right away. If that's the case then leave it at that. People need to get to know each other before they start talking sex. If it's suggested, joked about, asked for, or questioned all too soon it just makes you lose credibility. Every comment or joke shouldn't be a sex reference it's immature and unattractive.
4. Initiative- Have some! Here's the deal - there are so many rules put into place now days that people stop being people and stop being real. If you like someone then make it known. How do you do that? Show some damn initiative. Make plans, send a text, or hey make a phone call. Too many texts go back and forth and it's such a bad form of communication. If you are invested in wanting to get to know someone then it's going to take conversations that are actual verbal conversations and also time together doing things and watching how someone else handles people and situations. We want to see if you're a total jerk to the gal at Starbucks or if you drop your change in the tip jar.
5. Respect her boundaries. When a girl says "I don't kiss on the first date" that isn't a time for you to reply "challenge accepted!!" Dude, it's a boundary, respect it. You'll know when the walls come down a little but you need to listen to her and pick up on her words. Women are very verbal and if you listen, it will get you far. If you don't, well you'll be the guy we talk smack about at brunch on Sunday's.
6. Keep chivalry alive. This is totally necessary but also a sensitive topic. I know too many girls who take advantage of a guy paying or being kind, but please fellas, don't punish the rest of us. At the end of the day, us good gals want a man to still be a man and we want to be treated like a lady. Chances are if the gal has any class she will not take advantage and as the relationship grows she will end up spoiling you like crazy anyways. So take the time in the beginning to wow her. This doesn't mean it has to be expensive or crazy fancy but you'd be amazed at what opening a door will do, or walking her to her car. It's basically good manners, so have them and if you don't, get some.
7. I mentioned women are verbal so we like to talk. That said, it's natural for us to ask a lot of questions about you. We are nosey creatures but on the flip side you really should take the time to get to know us as well. In sales we have a saying that the person who talks the most usually loses. Ask open ended questions, oh and listen! Remember, two ears and one mouth so listen more than you speak.
8. So often men feel the need to brag or win a girl over. This often leads to them leading with their money. Maybe immature and shallow girls are impressed with you throwing out your salary or how much you spend on this or that, but us confident and secure women don't need to hear it. Those of us with wisdom and maturity can listen to you speak and pretty quickly put together in our mind if you're unstable financially or if you're doing okay. Bragging about it just becomes unattractive. Feel free to show us how well off you are financially though buy being chivalrous and paying for that dinner! :)
9. Speaking of bragging.,,, Your words are a reflection of your heart. We will quickly pick up on where you spend your time and what your priorities are. We will also listen to how you speak of others. You may want to really evaluate this for yourself before you start dating. When I hear a man talk only about his hobbies my thought is where is there room for me and how would this even work. I understand when you're single you have your own thing going on. But if you have a ton of passions, gotta have that boys weekend once a month, oh and just took your 3rd trip to Vegas this year, then are you really ready to be dating? Are you ready to slow the roll a bit or not? Dating means taking the time to spend with someone else, it's an investment and if you're not ready for that it's totally okay but don't find someone just to put them on the back burner. And how you speak about your family, friends, the people you work with is all an indicator to us if you're the one we want or not.
10. Exes, we all have them. Listen, we want to know you're story and what happened, it's a good indicator to us or whether or not we want to move forward. However, we don't want to hear about it all the damn time and we certainly don't want to be compared. All in good time we want to hear your hearts hurts, your stories, what your past has taught you, etc. But again, feed us in small bites and let us ask the questions. Don't vomit your ex relationship on us and don't complain about all the child support you pay or what a bitch she is, etc. How you speak about your ex is pretty telling. Even if she wronged you the way you speak will reflect if you're someone who is bitter, holds grudges or if you are someone who is healed and moving forward.
Those are some tips based on some of my very brief experiences. Not that I'm perfect or an expert but hey, I'm a smart girl and tell it like it is.
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