Last week I received a text from my brother asking if he and his wife could come over Sunday (today) to bbq for the kids and me to celebrate my birthday which is approaching in a few days by the way. The moment I read the text my heart filled with joy. We all want to be thought of, remembered and want people to make effort and initiate something for us. For that reason, I felt all gushy and excited that someone thought of ME. See I'm an alpha personality. I say this because I'm typically the one trying to get every together and planning things for others. Relationships are a high priority for me and I deeply care for people in my circle and want them to feel good, loved and special. I probably put so much effort into that because it's what I really enjoy. Anyways, my brother and his wife made a point to take time out of their day to celebrate me!
We had a great visit. Brother bbq'd tri tip and veggies, my sister in law and I chatted and caught up, the kids played and were running through the house. We ate together, laughed together, shared some family memories all while creating new ones. For as long as I can remember, before selfies became the thing, I loved taking pictures. I even went through a scrapbooking phase and have both photo and written journals of several years of my life. That said, whenever I have family together I'm clicking away and taking pictures. The Kardashians really got nothing on me with the photos yo! You never know that moment you'll capture or even want to pull out and reflect on at later down the road. I do it all the time...
This evening we were gathering the kids for pictures which is quite the production these days. Brooke likes to run around in circles being chase, I get frustrated and lick my lips and lick away my lip gloss, Jake's attention span drifts and I lose him at some point and Audrey tries to wrestle Brooke which turns into a sibling fight and messy hair. After all that we line up to snap away - some with me and them, some of them with their Uncle and Auntie, some with me and my brother - you catch my drift. Believe it or not, for as many pictures as I take and I'm in, I can't stand how I look in a damn photo, but I've learned that this is me and it is what it is and that it's more important to have a fat memory, or a bad hair day memory, or that funky lazy eye thing that's been happening with me (yeah, you know you've noticed it) than no memory.
After Bub and Codi left, I went through the pics. After review I realized some pics had me make a mental note to amp up my cardio, others made me realize how much of a man my brother has become and he's really not a little Bubba anymore, and some made me recognize the joy I see in the faces of my kiddos that I haven't seen in a really, really long time. You know the smile I'm talking about. You can see in in couples when they are truly happy and you can also see it when they might be going through a rough time. As I was scrolling through pics tonight I realized I see a joy on the face of my children that hasn't been there. I started crying and then I realized the masks we had all been wearing for so long are off. I also couldn't help to think about how my family picture has changed. It certainly doesn't look like I thought it would look. Even in the last year, what a difference a year makes. Relationships have changed their course in the past 12 months and friendships aren't the same, family dynamics have changed, etc. That said, it doesn't mean that the picture of my family today in front of my home isn't anything but awesome and it looks just like it should. Again, if you look at the faces of my kiddos you can see we are all exactly where we are supposed to be. God is shaping us individually, me as a woman and a mother, and us together a family unit. I don't look at it and see what's missing and I don't allow myself more than a few seconds of critiquing. This is who we are, in this moment of time. Later we can look back and laugh about how Brooke's hair is always covering half of her face, or Jake's wearing those awkward springs on his braces or how Audrey's always right on me in pics and how I have the damn weird eye thing. Beyond all of that I love that in 5, 10, 15 years from now I can look back at the picture of me and the kids from tonight and feel that same joy again knowing that it reflected a time of healing, growth and joy.
What does your family picture look like? Are you wearing a mask? Do your eyes sparkle when you smile? Do you allow the kids to be messy and unique but full of joy or do you require the picture to look so perfect that it's leaving everyone stiff and bitter and angry in the picture? Or are you so uncomfortable in your skin or in your season of life that you aren't taking any pictures or in any? Think about it.
xoxo
CW
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