I suppose it's time to admit publicly that after almost two years (it will be two years in just 5 days) since my husband left I have put my toes in the water with dating. I gotta tell you I never really "dated." I mean, I've always had a boyfriend but it sorta just came to me and this dating thing - well it's a whole new beast. Not to mention the social media stalking, the texts vs. phone calls and the game of it all is pretty frightful. Let me back up...Right when he left I did date for a hot second just to know I could and well that was a disaster. Not only was I not healthy or ready I was also at a point of very low confidence and let's just say I made bad choices and really settled for some weridos. Needless to say, it was a very short period of time and made me realize that it just wasn't worth it. The bad experiences combined with my hardened heart just left me with my mind convinced I had given up on love, hell, I had given up on even like.
A few months ago I was at lunch with a coworker who I would also consider a friend. He had suggested I put myself out there and start dating. I don't go out much and when I do I am never, and I really do mean never approached or hit on. Now I've had people give me their theories on the subject and for awhile I figured boys just thought I was ugly but now I realize boys are just scared of me. As they should be. :) So my buddy grabbed my phone and set me up online. I figured what the heck, if anything it would be a distraction, perhaps it could be fun to get a little attention and also might be fun to actually date like a grown up. I know this sounds crazy but during this time I was going through some pretty intense counseling where I was learning a ton about myself and I decided that as I got healthy I wanted to try things differently and surprisingly, you would be amazed at how differently you handle things when you are healthy. That said, I was pretty selective with the fellas and well, I still am.
This whole online dating thing is kind of a social experiment. It's like I'm chiseling away at the men. I will receive a ton of connections but honestly I rule them out pretty quick if they aren't attractive, have a douche bag bathroom or gym selfie, have a picture with a motorcycle (sorry, but why waste my time with someone that has a hobby I wont enjoy too), is throwing up any type of hand gesture in the pic or immediately approaches me with a name like doll, baby, sweetie, etc. Can you say barf? So ruling out those things alone leaves me with about 10% of the guys who contacted me. Now the fun begins, he messages me, I message him bla bla bla. If there is any mention of sex in the first few messages I am out. You would be surprised how many people just try to hook up. Ummm, no thanks. Now we are down to just a few guys. These ones seem to be decent but this is where the fact finding comes in. My career is in sales so naturally I can talk to anyone and I'm really good at asking probing questions. That combined with my gift of discernment enables me to have a pretty awesome Douche Meter. However, there are those times that a douche will slide through and that's always a bummer.
After a few months at this dating thing I now feel like an expert! Haha That said, I thought it might be handy for me to point out a few tips for the fellas. I mean, if they don't know what they don't know then how are they supposed to know? So, let me be that little fairy godmother of dating and allow you to use my experiences that I have had in my short lived dating career to help out the guys and hopefully this circles back somehow to helping women because hopefully they will take my advice and share it in mens bathrooms across America! Annnnnnnnnnnd, you're welcome. By the way, I am offline and no longer dating for the record. It was fun for a second but frankly it's exhausting and I still believe that it's all about timing and connection. I'm convinced I'll be at the store one day without my kids (3 kids in tow probably isn't the most approachable thing) and I'll look up and he'll look up and BOOM it will be magic. Meh, maybe not but God knows my heart and has a plan for me that will one day involve a tall, very handsome and very gainfully employed man. Until then, I've gained a few fun stories to tell and met one person in specific that truly left an impression.
So fellas here are my tips for you. Take them in but don't take them personal if you're guilty of one or more of these things. Just know better and do better and if you follow my advice I'm sure it can't hurt!
Here ya go boys:
1. If you're online reevaluate your pictures. Bathroom and gym selfies gotta go. If you have a ton of kids we don't want to see them, tell us about them later. If you have a drink in your hand in every picture, take it down - a mature woman doesn't want a frat boy and for heavens sake, please put your shirt on. Here's the deal, if you're body isn't that hot we don't want to know and if it is that hot we don't want to feel totally intimated that we aren't gym rats too.
2. This should be number one buuuuuuuuuuuut, if you are married, with someone, split up but "working on it" or anything close to those, you should not be online actively looking to meet other women. The ol bait and switch sucks for us. There's nothing worse than investing time getting to know someone who really isn't emotionally or even physically available. It sucks, it hurts and it's wrong. If you need an ego boost or a distraction because you're in a lull in your relationship then you need to work on that within yourself and not seek it online.
3. Let's talk about sex. NOT! Why oh why do so many men feel the need to discuss sex so soon. Wait, I know, it's how you're wired. Listen guys, the perception out there is online is for hook ups only so it's natural for a girl who doesn't want that to make it known right away. If that's the case then leave it at that. People need to get to know each other before they start talking sex. If it's suggested, joked about, asked for, or questioned all too soon it just makes you lose credibility. Every comment or joke shouldn't be a sex reference it's immature and unattractive.
4. Initiative- Have some! Here's the deal - there are so many rules put into place now days that people stop being people and stop being real. If you like someone then make it known. How do you do that? Show some damn initiative. Make plans, send a text, or hey make a phone call. Too many texts go back and forth and it's such a bad form of communication. If you are invested in wanting to get to know someone then it's going to take conversations that are actual verbal conversations and also time together doing things and watching how someone else handles people and situations. We want to see if you're a total jerk to the gal at Starbucks or if you drop your change in the tip jar.
5. Respect her boundaries. When a girl says "I don't kiss on the first date" that isn't a time for you to reply "challenge accepted!!" Dude, it's a boundary, respect it. You'll know when the walls come down a little but you need to listen to her and pick up on her words. Women are very verbal and if you listen, it will get you far. If you don't, well you'll be the guy we talk smack about at brunch on Sunday's.
6. Keep chivalry alive. This is totally necessary but also a sensitive topic. I know too many girls who take advantage of a guy paying or being kind, but please fellas, don't punish the rest of us. At the end of the day, us good gals want a man to still be a man and we want to be treated like a lady. Chances are if the gal has any class she will not take advantage and as the relationship grows she will end up spoiling you like crazy anyways. So take the time in the beginning to wow her. This doesn't mean it has to be expensive or crazy fancy but you'd be amazed at what opening a door will do, or walking her to her car. It's basically good manners, so have them and if you don't, get some.
7. I mentioned women are verbal so we like to talk. That said, it's natural for us to ask a lot of questions about you. We are nosey creatures but on the flip side you really should take the time to get to know us as well. In sales we have a saying that the person who talks the most usually loses. Ask open ended questions, oh and listen! Remember, two ears and one mouth so listen more than you speak.
8. So often men feel the need to brag or win a girl over. This often leads to them leading with their money. Maybe immature and shallow girls are impressed with you throwing out your salary or how much you spend on this or that, but us confident and secure women don't need to hear it. Those of us with wisdom and maturity can listen to you speak and pretty quickly put together in our mind if you're unstable financially or if you're doing okay. Bragging about it just becomes unattractive. Feel free to show us how well off you are financially though buy being chivalrous and paying for that dinner! :)
9. Speaking of bragging.,,, Your words are a reflection of your heart. We will quickly pick up on where you spend your time and what your priorities are. We will also listen to how you speak of others. You may want to really evaluate this for yourself before you start dating. When I hear a man talk only about his hobbies my thought is where is there room for me and how would this even work. I understand when you're single you have your own thing going on. But if you have a ton of passions, gotta have that boys weekend once a month, oh and just took your 3rd trip to Vegas this year, then are you really ready to be dating? Are you ready to slow the roll a bit or not? Dating means taking the time to spend with someone else, it's an investment and if you're not ready for that it's totally okay but don't find someone just to put them on the back burner. And how you speak about your family, friends, the people you work with is all an indicator to us if you're the one we want or not.
10. Exes, we all have them. Listen, we want to know you're story and what happened, it's a good indicator to us or whether or not we want to move forward. However, we don't want to hear about it all the damn time and we certainly don't want to be compared. All in good time we want to hear your hearts hurts, your stories, what your past has taught you, etc. But again, feed us in small bites and let us ask the questions. Don't vomit your ex relationship on us and don't complain about all the child support you pay or what a bitch she is, etc. How you speak about your ex is pretty telling. Even if she wronged you the way you speak will reflect if you're someone who is bitter, holds grudges or if you are someone who is healed and moving forward.
Those are some tips based on some of my very brief experiences. Not that I'm perfect or an expert but hey, I'm a smart girl and tell it like it is.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Sunday, March 15, 2015
A picture worth a thousand words.
Last week I received a text from my brother asking if he and his wife could come over Sunday (today) to bbq for the kids and me to celebrate my birthday which is approaching in a few days by the way. The moment I read the text my heart filled with joy. We all want to be thought of, remembered and want people to make effort and initiate something for us. For that reason, I felt all gushy and excited that someone thought of ME. See I'm an alpha personality. I say this because I'm typically the one trying to get every together and planning things for others. Relationships are a high priority for me and I deeply care for people in my circle and want them to feel good, loved and special. I probably put so much effort into that because it's what I really enjoy. Anyways, my brother and his wife made a point to take time out of their day to celebrate me!
We had a great visit. Brother bbq'd tri tip and veggies, my sister in law and I chatted and caught up, the kids played and were running through the house. We ate together, laughed together, shared some family memories all while creating new ones. For as long as I can remember, before selfies became the thing, I loved taking pictures. I even went through a scrapbooking phase and have both photo and written journals of several years of my life. That said, whenever I have family together I'm clicking away and taking pictures. The Kardashians really got nothing on me with the photos yo! You never know that moment you'll capture or even want to pull out and reflect on at later down the road. I do it all the time...
This evening we were gathering the kids for pictures which is quite the production these days. Brooke likes to run around in circles being chase, I get frustrated and lick my lips and lick away my lip gloss, Jake's attention span drifts and I lose him at some point and Audrey tries to wrestle Brooke which turns into a sibling fight and messy hair. After all that we line up to snap away - some with me and them, some of them with their Uncle and Auntie, some with me and my brother - you catch my drift. Believe it or not, for as many pictures as I take and I'm in, I can't stand how I look in a damn photo, but I've learned that this is me and it is what it is and that it's more important to have a fat memory, or a bad hair day memory, or that funky lazy eye thing that's been happening with me (yeah, you know you've noticed it) than no memory.
After Bub and Codi left, I went through the pics. After review I realized some pics had me make a mental note to amp up my cardio, others made me realize how much of a man my brother has become and he's really not a little Bubba anymore, and some made me recognize the joy I see in the faces of my kiddos that I haven't seen in a really, really long time. You know the smile I'm talking about. You can see in in couples when they are truly happy and you can also see it when they might be going through a rough time. As I was scrolling through pics tonight I realized I see a joy on the face of my children that hasn't been there. I started crying and then I realized the masks we had all been wearing for so long are off. I also couldn't help to think about how my family picture has changed. It certainly doesn't look like I thought it would look. Even in the last year, what a difference a year makes. Relationships have changed their course in the past 12 months and friendships aren't the same, family dynamics have changed, etc. That said, it doesn't mean that the picture of my family today in front of my home isn't anything but awesome and it looks just like it should. Again, if you look at the faces of my kiddos you can see we are all exactly where we are supposed to be. God is shaping us individually, me as a woman and a mother, and us together a family unit. I don't look at it and see what's missing and I don't allow myself more than a few seconds of critiquing. This is who we are, in this moment of time. Later we can look back and laugh about how Brooke's hair is always covering half of her face, or Jake's wearing those awkward springs on his braces or how Audrey's always right on me in pics and how I have the damn weird eye thing. Beyond all of that I love that in 5, 10, 15 years from now I can look back at the picture of me and the kids from tonight and feel that same joy again knowing that it reflected a time of healing, growth and joy.
What does your family picture look like? Are you wearing a mask? Do your eyes sparkle when you smile? Do you allow the kids to be messy and unique but full of joy or do you require the picture to look so perfect that it's leaving everyone stiff and bitter and angry in the picture? Or are you so uncomfortable in your skin or in your season of life that you aren't taking any pictures or in any? Think about it.
xoxo
CW
We had a great visit. Brother bbq'd tri tip and veggies, my sister in law and I chatted and caught up, the kids played and were running through the house. We ate together, laughed together, shared some family memories all while creating new ones. For as long as I can remember, before selfies became the thing, I loved taking pictures. I even went through a scrapbooking phase and have both photo and written journals of several years of my life. That said, whenever I have family together I'm clicking away and taking pictures. The Kardashians really got nothing on me with the photos yo! You never know that moment you'll capture or even want to pull out and reflect on at later down the road. I do it all the time...
This evening we were gathering the kids for pictures which is quite the production these days. Brooke likes to run around in circles being chase, I get frustrated and lick my lips and lick away my lip gloss, Jake's attention span drifts and I lose him at some point and Audrey tries to wrestle Brooke which turns into a sibling fight and messy hair. After all that we line up to snap away - some with me and them, some of them with their Uncle and Auntie, some with me and my brother - you catch my drift. Believe it or not, for as many pictures as I take and I'm in, I can't stand how I look in a damn photo, but I've learned that this is me and it is what it is and that it's more important to have a fat memory, or a bad hair day memory, or that funky lazy eye thing that's been happening with me (yeah, you know you've noticed it) than no memory.
After Bub and Codi left, I went through the pics. After review I realized some pics had me make a mental note to amp up my cardio, others made me realize how much of a man my brother has become and he's really not a little Bubba anymore, and some made me recognize the joy I see in the faces of my kiddos that I haven't seen in a really, really long time. You know the smile I'm talking about. You can see in in couples when they are truly happy and you can also see it when they might be going through a rough time. As I was scrolling through pics tonight I realized I see a joy on the face of my children that hasn't been there. I started crying and then I realized the masks we had all been wearing for so long are off. I also couldn't help to think about how my family picture has changed. It certainly doesn't look like I thought it would look. Even in the last year, what a difference a year makes. Relationships have changed their course in the past 12 months and friendships aren't the same, family dynamics have changed, etc. That said, it doesn't mean that the picture of my family today in front of my home isn't anything but awesome and it looks just like it should. Again, if you look at the faces of my kiddos you can see we are all exactly where we are supposed to be. God is shaping us individually, me as a woman and a mother, and us together a family unit. I don't look at it and see what's missing and I don't allow myself more than a few seconds of critiquing. This is who we are, in this moment of time. Later we can look back and laugh about how Brooke's hair is always covering half of her face, or Jake's wearing those awkward springs on his braces or how Audrey's always right on me in pics and how I have the damn weird eye thing. Beyond all of that I love that in 5, 10, 15 years from now I can look back at the picture of me and the kids from tonight and feel that same joy again knowing that it reflected a time of healing, growth and joy.
What does your family picture look like? Are you wearing a mask? Do your eyes sparkle when you smile? Do you allow the kids to be messy and unique but full of joy or do you require the picture to look so perfect that it's leaving everyone stiff and bitter and angry in the picture? Or are you so uncomfortable in your skin or in your season of life that you aren't taking any pictures or in any? Think about it.
xoxo
CW
Thursday, March 12, 2015
No more lies.
I was living a lie. I told myself every day that I was ugly, unwanted, not lovable, etc. I told myself I was a bad mother, a bad friend, a bad daughter and employee. I looked in the mirror and I would often cry and the reflection I saw. I felt like I was an inconvenience to anyone I came across. I would leave social events regretting everything I said and feeling like I was an inadequate. I felt unvalued. I carried shame. I was in prison to myself.
God was tugging at my heart and He is so patient. I didn't want to be that way and think those things or feel those ways about myself but it was all I ever really knew. I had life experiences that started from the time I was small child that established those lies and since then I've been making choices directed based on what I believed about myself.
I made agreements with the enemy and while I was going through life just fine and holding it together my soul was self destructing and my spirit was asleep.
It wasn't until I decided to go deep, tackle the lies and really spend time with God asking Him what His truth said about it that I was able to be free and start becoming the woman that God wants me to be.
I am not going to get into the details about the specific lies I believed or how they got imprinted into me because that's not really important. I also choose to not get into the details of the truths that God shared with me because that's very personal. However, I will say that I have never felt more free.
Being free means I walk in truth, not in lies. I no longer agree with the enemy when he whispers dirty little lies or me or tries to influence me to make decisions. I seek God's truth. I literally do not believe the lies any more and they have zero power over me. How awesome is that!? I know this sounds crazy, and I know it sounds too easy but really, it's THAT simple. I am a changed woman by the way I handle things, small and big. I am changed by the choices I make. I am changed by the way I am with others and by the way I receive relationships. I am changed by the way I speak to myself about myself!
Am I 100% perfect all the time? Heck no! But when I make mistakes I do not dwell. I allow myself grace. Do I still struggle with my looks? Of course! But, the negative self comments are far and few between and when they happen I just remember that I'm God's girl and I am made to be exactly how I am. Do I struggle with being a mom? You betcha. But I begin again and realize that a bad moment as a mother doesn't make me a bad mother.
Being free allows me to sit in church and listen to my Pastor preach without feeling heavy or shame. I don't hear the enemy telling me that I'm not loved and that's why I sit alone every Sunday and that all the other woman who have husbands are lovable and I'm not. I don't hear bible verses about sin and shame myself or allow the enemy to tell me I'm a whore, a bad mother or a loser. I sit there and I don't feel heavy, I feel free. I am able to fully receive the truth. I hear messages of love, grace, forgiveness and I hear that I was worth dying for by a man who loved me more than any man can or ever will. My savior Jesus died on the cross for YOU and me!!
What are the lies you tell yourself? What is it that you believe? Not good enough? Unlovable? Not worthy? Loser? Ugly? Bad mom? Ask yourself that question and write them down. Think about choices you made - relationships you entered, jobs you took or didn't take, words that were spoken or even unspoken all because you believe a certain way about who you were or what you thought you were worth. Spend time with God and ask Him about it, ask him what He has to say about you being ugly or a bad mom or whatever else. I promise you He will tell you. I promise!
Let go of the lies ladies. Give them to God! Walk in truth, walk in freedom. Do not let the enemy kill your spirit and destroy your soul. You are good, you are worthy, you are lovable, you're beautiful, you're enough. Make agreements with the truth, shed those prison chains and become free to your true self.
xoxo
CW
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
May 21, 2014
I woke up this morning just like I do any other day. Rolled over in bed to my dog, got up, got the kiddos off to school but then I came back home. I took that day off to deal with the days events. After a very much unwanted split today was the day that Chris and I were to go to court for the dissolution of our marriage. Divorce.
I know this was coming and he's been gone for 14 months but I didn't quite anticipate today to feel like it did and I certainly didn't anticipate the emotions to surface like that did today.
After I dropped off the kids at school I approached the day like I was going into battle. I went by It's A Grind and got a coffee and a bagel and just sat and thought about my marriage, then I went to Yoga and even during some of the various positions I felt so weak physically and then linked that to feeling weak emotionally. When Chris first left I cried in the shower every morning before work. It was my only place I could fall apart and felt safe to do so. It also allowed me limits to my pain being that I would only allow myself to break down and cry during my shower and then I would face the day strong. I did that for about 6 months until it just stopped. Today I cried in the shower. As I was getting ready for court I was thinking about how it might go and what I wanted to say to him. I changed my outfit about five times wanting to look cute. The guy left me, not to mention he watched me have a baby, has seen me at my worst, has seen me regularly for the pick up and drop off of our daughter so why the hell did I need to look cute today? Probably more for me than him.
When I arrived at court he was already there. It was so bizarre because we chatted like friends the whole day. Not that we hate eachother or that I want to not be friendly but you have to remember that one day we were sitting in the backyard planning a vacation to Hawaii for our anniversary and sharing dreams and two days later his lies surfaced and he tells me he doesn't love me and moves out. Who does that? Really. Who does that? We never talked about the divorce, talked about why or anything else. It was always just a very simple line from him "I don't love you and I want a divorce." If you knew me and my ex-husband and every saw us together or heard how he spoke of me you would be in shock. Not surprised but pure shock. But as I reflect on my marriage I now have no idea what was a truth and what was a lie. There were so, so many lies. So many women, money missing, bills not getting pay, him walking away from his job, him faking that he had a new job, etc. Over the course of 8 years I settled for the answer "I don't know babe but I would never lie to you or hurt you." Well in March of 2013 I don't know didn't cut it for me. Maybe all the times prior I wasn't mentally or emotionally strong enough to push for answers that I was afraid to know and when I finally did push God knew I was at a point that I could handle the truth to be revealed. So back to today and our friendly conversation. It's a weird feeling to sit next to someone for three hours, inches apart, joking and laughing and knowing that you will never really know why he left or why the hell you are even in the seat you're in. It's weird to sit next to someone who treats you as a friend and like the love that once was never even existed.
The clerk called us up and it was our turn for the story of what was once "us" to be ended. It's ironic how they actually ask you to take oath and respond with the words "I do." Interesting choice since it's the same words that roll of the tongue when you're promising forever to the same person. To hear him, within a foot from me say "I do" brought back memories of our wedding day and how in love we were. From the day he left I never cried in front of Chris and had some pride in my strength but today, when the judge asked him if there was any chance of restoration of the marriage through counseling, mediation or any other resources and Chris said no and the judge granted the divorce, I kinda lost it. By lost it I mean I had eyes full of tears and my cheeks were wet from the tears rolling down. I was looking forward so Chris didn't technically see me cry but I know he knew. It felt like a blur, like an outer body experience and the whole time I wanted to scream out loud "I didn't want this!!"
While we waited for the clerk to write up the paperwork the bailiff made a point to talk to us and tell us what a great couple we are and how awesome it is that we are friendly and can sit next to eachother. He told us how great it is for our daughter to see this. I agree that those a all good things but again, what would have been great for our daughter is if her father was not a manipulative liar who deceived the shit out of me and then decided to bail on the life we had planned. Once again, Chris came off as such a great guy. I've never met anyone who didn't like him. And I came off as a composed, strong woman who was in full cooperation of what was happening. Oh if they all knew...
No marriage is perfect but I really thought mine to Chris was pretty damn close. We had every reason to succeed. We had the support of family, relationships with Jesus, a foundation of God, we shared the same interests and did activities together often and were the best of friends. We really did have all the tools it took to have a great marriage that should have lasted forever. I didn't have the same complaints about my husband that most women do. He seemed like a great man. Apparently, his tools were broken. Very broken. Broken and/of fake.
I got home this evening and had a good cry. I cry not just because I'm sad but because I'm mad. I'm mad that this had to happen. I miss the life I had. I miss the family I had through Chris and all my old friends. I wonder if any of them think of me? It's strange who you can be best of friends with people who will just turn away and never speak to you again, and I wasn't even the one who did any wrong. Damn people are disappointing.... I'm mad that even though we are divorced I still don't feel closure. I have stuffed and been strong for the last 14 months and put so much in to today and anticipated a feeling of relief or something similar to come over me. I learned today that I still have a ways to go through on this journey of grief. I don't feel closure, I don't feel miraculously better. Don't get me wrong here, I don't want Chris back and wouldn't want to be with him and I am much stronger, wiser and better than I was 14 month ago but I there's still healing to be done. What he did and how he did it is just way beyond repair. But, I miss the marriage I thought I had. I wish I had the husband that I thought he was. My heart breaks for the kids. My heart breaks for me. I can say that...my heart breaks for ME. It's time for me to stop stuffing and to probably feel the pain of this. I have people tell me to get over it and to let it go and to them I say screw you. Who are you, or anyone else able to tell someone in pain to just get over it. I will not get over it but I will get through it. Whatever that might look like. I will not allow someone else's discomfort of my pain to make me stuff it any longer. For those that have provided me the love and support (and you know who you are if you're reading this) I thank you so much.
Soon I will sleep. I will say my prayers and continue to thank God for the strength He's given me and ask him for healing. Tomorrow is a new day and I will get to begin again.
God doesn't promise us a pain free life. There's a lot of hurt that can come from sins of others. We all have choices and Chris, well Chris made some really shitty choices. I only hope that I can try to live my life in a way that doesn't cause pain to others. God does promise us the gift of hope and He does have the power to turn any mess into a message. My messy divorce, my messy mothering, my messy mouth, my messy pain is not for nothing. There are BIG messages to come from those messes. Messages of Hope, Strength, Courage, Love, Bravery, Faith, Victory and more! My story isn't over yet, God has so much more planned out for me.
Thanks for sharing my journey.
xoxo
CW
I know this was coming and he's been gone for 14 months but I didn't quite anticipate today to feel like it did and I certainly didn't anticipate the emotions to surface like that did today.
After I dropped off the kids at school I approached the day like I was going into battle. I went by It's A Grind and got a coffee and a bagel and just sat and thought about my marriage, then I went to Yoga and even during some of the various positions I felt so weak physically and then linked that to feeling weak emotionally. When Chris first left I cried in the shower every morning before work. It was my only place I could fall apart and felt safe to do so. It also allowed me limits to my pain being that I would only allow myself to break down and cry during my shower and then I would face the day strong. I did that for about 6 months until it just stopped. Today I cried in the shower. As I was getting ready for court I was thinking about how it might go and what I wanted to say to him. I changed my outfit about five times wanting to look cute. The guy left me, not to mention he watched me have a baby, has seen me at my worst, has seen me regularly for the pick up and drop off of our daughter so why the hell did I need to look cute today? Probably more for me than him.
When I arrived at court he was already there. It was so bizarre because we chatted like friends the whole day. Not that we hate eachother or that I want to not be friendly but you have to remember that one day we were sitting in the backyard planning a vacation to Hawaii for our anniversary and sharing dreams and two days later his lies surfaced and he tells me he doesn't love me and moves out. Who does that? Really. Who does that? We never talked about the divorce, talked about why or anything else. It was always just a very simple line from him "I don't love you and I want a divorce." If you knew me and my ex-husband and every saw us together or heard how he spoke of me you would be in shock. Not surprised but pure shock. But as I reflect on my marriage I now have no idea what was a truth and what was a lie. There were so, so many lies. So many women, money missing, bills not getting pay, him walking away from his job, him faking that he had a new job, etc. Over the course of 8 years I settled for the answer "I don't know babe but I would never lie to you or hurt you." Well in March of 2013 I don't know didn't cut it for me. Maybe all the times prior I wasn't mentally or emotionally strong enough to push for answers that I was afraid to know and when I finally did push God knew I was at a point that I could handle the truth to be revealed. So back to today and our friendly conversation. It's a weird feeling to sit next to someone for three hours, inches apart, joking and laughing and knowing that you will never really know why he left or why the hell you are even in the seat you're in. It's weird to sit next to someone who treats you as a friend and like the love that once was never even existed.
The clerk called us up and it was our turn for the story of what was once "us" to be ended. It's ironic how they actually ask you to take oath and respond with the words "I do." Interesting choice since it's the same words that roll of the tongue when you're promising forever to the same person. To hear him, within a foot from me say "I do" brought back memories of our wedding day and how in love we were. From the day he left I never cried in front of Chris and had some pride in my strength but today, when the judge asked him if there was any chance of restoration of the marriage through counseling, mediation or any other resources and Chris said no and the judge granted the divorce, I kinda lost it. By lost it I mean I had eyes full of tears and my cheeks were wet from the tears rolling down. I was looking forward so Chris didn't technically see me cry but I know he knew. It felt like a blur, like an outer body experience and the whole time I wanted to scream out loud "I didn't want this!!"
While we waited for the clerk to write up the paperwork the bailiff made a point to talk to us and tell us what a great couple we are and how awesome it is that we are friendly and can sit next to eachother. He told us how great it is for our daughter to see this. I agree that those a all good things but again, what would have been great for our daughter is if her father was not a manipulative liar who deceived the shit out of me and then decided to bail on the life we had planned. Once again, Chris came off as such a great guy. I've never met anyone who didn't like him. And I came off as a composed, strong woman who was in full cooperation of what was happening. Oh if they all knew...
No marriage is perfect but I really thought mine to Chris was pretty damn close. We had every reason to succeed. We had the support of family, relationships with Jesus, a foundation of God, we shared the same interests and did activities together often and were the best of friends. We really did have all the tools it took to have a great marriage that should have lasted forever. I didn't have the same complaints about my husband that most women do. He seemed like a great man. Apparently, his tools were broken. Very broken. Broken and/of fake.
I got home this evening and had a good cry. I cry not just because I'm sad but because I'm mad. I'm mad that this had to happen. I miss the life I had. I miss the family I had through Chris and all my old friends. I wonder if any of them think of me? It's strange who you can be best of friends with people who will just turn away and never speak to you again, and I wasn't even the one who did any wrong. Damn people are disappointing.... I'm mad that even though we are divorced I still don't feel closure. I have stuffed and been strong for the last 14 months and put so much in to today and anticipated a feeling of relief or something similar to come over me. I learned today that I still have a ways to go through on this journey of grief. I don't feel closure, I don't feel miraculously better. Don't get me wrong here, I don't want Chris back and wouldn't want to be with him and I am much stronger, wiser and better than I was 14 month ago but I there's still healing to be done. What he did and how he did it is just way beyond repair. But, I miss the marriage I thought I had. I wish I had the husband that I thought he was. My heart breaks for the kids. My heart breaks for me. I can say that...my heart breaks for ME. It's time for me to stop stuffing and to probably feel the pain of this. I have people tell me to get over it and to let it go and to them I say screw you. Who are you, or anyone else able to tell someone in pain to just get over it. I will not get over it but I will get through it. Whatever that might look like. I will not allow someone else's discomfort of my pain to make me stuff it any longer. For those that have provided me the love and support (and you know who you are if you're reading this) I thank you so much.
Soon I will sleep. I will say my prayers and continue to thank God for the strength He's given me and ask him for healing. Tomorrow is a new day and I will get to begin again.
God doesn't promise us a pain free life. There's a lot of hurt that can come from sins of others. We all have choices and Chris, well Chris made some really shitty choices. I only hope that I can try to live my life in a way that doesn't cause pain to others. God does promise us the gift of hope and He does have the power to turn any mess into a message. My messy divorce, my messy mothering, my messy mouth, my messy pain is not for nothing. There are BIG messages to come from those messes. Messages of Hope, Strength, Courage, Love, Bravery, Faith, Victory and more! My story isn't over yet, God has so much more planned out for me.
Thanks for sharing my journey.
xoxo
CW
Monday, May 19, 2014
Not a mess.
I really love reading Proverbs 31 Ministry Blogs. For me, they are real, relatable and an easy quick read. So much of what they write about is the day to day stuff that we deal with as women, mothers, girlfriends, wives, etc. Recently I was reading and something was written basically along the lines of having a messy kitchen doesn't define you and make you a mess but it makes you a Christian, loved by Jesus that happens to have a messy kitchen. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it more, it was not a kitchen it was a closet and it was a post from Lysa Terkeurst who is part of the Proverbs 31 Ministry and my friend Heidi posted it on her Facebook page. Anyways, those details don't matter but what does matter is the message. How many of us can relate to this? I know I sure can. I have always put so much pressure on myself for no real reason. Over this last year I have even put more pressure on myself and have felt defined by my mistakes, failures and regrets. Why do we do that as women? Or perhaps it's just me. For example, I personally keep a pretty clean house but I don't ever define myself by the good, accomplishments or triumphs. I don't say to myself "wow I'm a really clean person." Nope. But the minute my house is messy I am quick to say "wow I am such a messy person." In reality I'm not a messy person. I am a busy mom of three that just didn't feel like mopping today. Period. I've been thinking about this a lot and pondering all the lies I tell myself. Quite awhile ago I even blogged about my identity in Christ but it's the day to day stuff that can quickly throw me off track. The messy closet, the job I didn't get, the outbursts towards my kids. Oh how the kid one can cut to the core right? I may have an outburst towards my children but this doesn't make me a bad mom, it makes me a mom having a bad day. I think about he conversations I have with friends, co-workers and family and the things I say to them and the love and support I provide. I don't think my friend who screamed out of frustration at her toddler is a crazy abusive mom. I think she's someone who gets very overwhelmed and had a bad moment. I don't think of my friend who's house is a mess as a dirty person or a messy person. I think of her as someone who doesn't put pressure on herself and kids to keep a tidy home and probably spends more time of value with her children instead of running around cleaning. I don't think of my friend who's dieting and training hard right now along with me as a pig because she has a total cheat day and eats 5 cupcakes. She's someone who a 5 damn cupcake, so what. See but when it comes to myself I think I'm a pig, I think I'm a mess, a bad mom, a failure.. Why am I not able to practice the same kindness to myself that I do for my friends and others? Why do I put so much judgment on myself? I think about this a lot. Easy for you to say to just do it but it's really just not that simple.
God gives me the gift of Grace. I'm undeserving but He gives it anyways. What would happen if I gave myself just a little bit of that same grace that He gives me? What would I look like if I saw myself through my makers eyes? I bet it would look like compassion, empathy, forgiveness. God doesn't look at me and see dirty, ugly, messy or a bad mom. God doesn't shame. Read that again...GOD DOES NOT SHAME. The enemy...oh he's all about the shaming. The enemy wants you to continue to believe the lies, he knows if you feel bad about yourself it will lead to depression, making bad choices for instant gratification and even creating a disconnect between you and Jesus. When you feel shame you don't want to be close to Jesus, at least I don't. I notice on the days that I need Jesus the most is when I typically pull away. Ironic right? When I make bad choices and when I feel down on myself I don't want to face Him but when I get over that and I do reach out to Jesus in prayer or read the word I am always given some truth that makes me feel so much better and I feel His love and His grace. Never once, and I repeat NEVER ONCE have I ever cried out to Jesus and felt shame. Trust me, I've done some dirt but I've never felt shame. Yes, I have felt some healthy humility, I have felt convicted but I have felt LOVED along with it. His truths and words that are written are so clear about His love for me and YOU that it's not even funny. A love so big that was laid on the cross when He died for my messy sins. Wow.
I really wish I could post this blog and walk away saying I'm not going to define myself any longer by my mistakes. But I will say that I am going to try to change my thinking a little. So my kitchen floor is dirty but it's MINE, so I ate 3 cupcakes, but I killed it at the gym 5 days in a row, so I went off a little on my middle child, but I had a great mother daughter day with her Saturday, so my body is flawed, but it's healthy, so I didn't get the job I wanted, but I am gainfully employed in a position that allows me to provide, so I've got two ex-husbands that left, but I have a God that loves me and will never forsake me and I have so much more good than "mess." If you're someone who's in my personal circle, I encourage you to help hold me accountable, call me out on my negative self talk and remind me to slow my roll a little and spend a little less time stressing over the small stuff. Iron sharpens iron, right? And if you're someone who always defines yourself by a messy closet I encourage you to open the Bible and read the truth. Truth is, your identity is in Christ alone, not your messy closet.
xoxo
CW
God gives me the gift of Grace. I'm undeserving but He gives it anyways. What would happen if I gave myself just a little bit of that same grace that He gives me? What would I look like if I saw myself through my makers eyes? I bet it would look like compassion, empathy, forgiveness. God doesn't look at me and see dirty, ugly, messy or a bad mom. God doesn't shame. Read that again...GOD DOES NOT SHAME. The enemy...oh he's all about the shaming. The enemy wants you to continue to believe the lies, he knows if you feel bad about yourself it will lead to depression, making bad choices for instant gratification and even creating a disconnect between you and Jesus. When you feel shame you don't want to be close to Jesus, at least I don't. I notice on the days that I need Jesus the most is when I typically pull away. Ironic right? When I make bad choices and when I feel down on myself I don't want to face Him but when I get over that and I do reach out to Jesus in prayer or read the word I am always given some truth that makes me feel so much better and I feel His love and His grace. Never once, and I repeat NEVER ONCE have I ever cried out to Jesus and felt shame. Trust me, I've done some dirt but I've never felt shame. Yes, I have felt some healthy humility, I have felt convicted but I have felt LOVED along with it. His truths and words that are written are so clear about His love for me and YOU that it's not even funny. A love so big that was laid on the cross when He died for my messy sins. Wow.
I really wish I could post this blog and walk away saying I'm not going to define myself any longer by my mistakes. But I will say that I am going to try to change my thinking a little. So my kitchen floor is dirty but it's MINE, so I ate 3 cupcakes, but I killed it at the gym 5 days in a row, so I went off a little on my middle child, but I had a great mother daughter day with her Saturday, so my body is flawed, but it's healthy, so I didn't get the job I wanted, but I am gainfully employed in a position that allows me to provide, so I've got two ex-husbands that left, but I have a God that loves me and will never forsake me and I have so much more good than "mess." If you're someone who's in my personal circle, I encourage you to help hold me accountable, call me out on my negative self talk and remind me to slow my roll a little and spend a little less time stressing over the small stuff. Iron sharpens iron, right? And if you're someone who always defines yourself by a messy closet I encourage you to open the Bible and read the truth. Truth is, your identity is in Christ alone, not your messy closet.
xoxo
CW
Monday, May 5, 2014
She did it anyway...
He text me and asked me if I thought fishing would be a lame first date. Hell no, I replied. A few days later he picked me up and saw that I packed an ice chest full of snacks and beers and told me that he knew I would be the woman for him. We fished the delta that day, it was our first date and the first time I caught a striper. I was hooked, both on him and the fishing! After that first day we spend every weekend on the Delta, fishing, talking, laughing, fighting or just floating along and not saying a word. We learned about eachother on that boat, we talked about our future, our fears, our faith. He proposed to me in that same very spot I caught my first striper and I'll never forget those days on the water we had together.
It was the week of Christmas and the weather was very ducky. For those non-duck hunters that means it was stormy. Lots of rain and lots of wind. I woke up before him and was dressed and ready to go, just like a kid about to go to Disneyland. We went out during dark and I helped set up decoys in the pitch black and scared to death I did it anyways. We sat in the blind and waiting for the sunrise and oh my, how pretty it was! There isn't much that's prettier than sunrise on a duck blind. The sun sparkled on the pond and we waited and waited for ducks. I watched and listened as he called them in and the ducks would swoop down in a pattern as though they were flirting with us. Flying in, then hesitating and they were costing in the wind. He called them in close enough for a good shot and we both pulled out our shotguns and fired. Ducks went down that day, some where his and he says some were mine, but I am pretty sure they were all his. That day I was hooked, both on duck hunting and on him.
I had been out with him many times deer hunting. Tagged along and helped spot and loved every minute of it. After our daughter was born he took me on a surprise date. We pulled into Bass Pro Shops and I thought to myself WTH are we doing HERE?! We walked up to their archery department and my bow was waiting for me. I thought no way can I do this. What if it snaps me? I don't have the upper body strength to pull it back. What if I release too soon and hurt someone? So many "what ifs." He helped me that day in the indoor range at Bass Pro and after a few arrows flew I was pretty good at this archery thing. I was hooked ever since, both on the bow and on him. Little did I know that very deer season I would take down a buck on opening weekend. Once again, I was hooked on deer hunting and on him.
Over a year has passed and he is gone. I am not hooked on him any longer. But this girl is still hooked on all the things we used to do when we were a "we." No, I didn't grow up hunting. My dad fished and took us, and we went shooting plenty. I had fun but never appreciated it like I do now. I spent the last year wondering if I was ever going to be able to do the things that I loved so much when I was with him. These last few months, I have realized that I can do each of those things without him. I have been lucky to have friends who let me tag along. I fished the Delta, without him...I went turkey hunting, without him...I shot an AR for the first time, without him.... I am kind of living now with the motto "she did it anyway."
A few weeks ago I pulled into Sacramento Valley to meet up with some friends who were shooting and thought I would just hang out and watch. One of my friends had an AR and was trying to get me to shoot it. No way, I hadn't shot a gun since Chris and was in the mindset that I "needed him" in order to shoot. I know it sounds crazy but when you depend on someone so much and they leave you almost feel incapable without them there. My friend persisted and when all else failed I was told that I was a "baby." Nothing like elementary slander to make you prove someone wrong. After I asked about a million questions such as: "how's the recoil?" "what do the shells look like, how big?" "where will the shells eject" and watched the gun fired several times to take note of the recoil, the shell ejection, how much the scope moved (I didn't want scope bite) before I decided to sit in the hot seat. Once I braved myself to sit down it took me forever to find the damn red dot in the scope but once I did I took a deep breath, let it out and squeezed the trigger. I flinched, I felt that I did and my shot was off but my confidence was dead on and I was in LOVE. I was hooked, both on the gun and on the feeling.....That.was.awesome! Can I do it again? And that morning I kept shooting and shooting and shooting. I probably should buy my friends some ammo after all I shot that day! The point is, I did it anyway. I didn't need Chris as my security blanket to do the things that I really enjoy. Life goes on. And, that next week I went out a bought my own AR. I did it anyway....
I was recently at brunch with a set of girlfriends and they saw my Facebook posts with me shooting, turkey hunting, etc. and I was asked "what the hell got into you." I just laughed but since then I spent some time thinking about what exactly got in to me. I concluded that there are phases to divorce and the first phase I spent numb, then I was drunk, then I was stubborn and figured I was just fine, then I was really sad and hurt and now I'm in a phase of "I'll do it anyway." I am restoring my confidence, building my life without a man and doing what I want for me with or without him. This is really good news because I can't imagine what other phases I have left but whatever comes I will embrace it and roll with it.
I have been fortunate enough that God planted people in my life to give me access to the things that I love so much and to show me that life goes on. I've been provided love and support and had people patient enough with me to allow my confidence to grow. Now I know that Chris isn't the only person in the world that I need to fish with, or shoot with. I hate to say it but I think I'm doing better without him than I was with him. He babied me way too much, he kept me crawling and now I'm walking. Not running, but walking. Before you know it this girl will be sprinting!
It was the week of Christmas and the weather was very ducky. For those non-duck hunters that means it was stormy. Lots of rain and lots of wind. I woke up before him and was dressed and ready to go, just like a kid about to go to Disneyland. We went out during dark and I helped set up decoys in the pitch black and scared to death I did it anyways. We sat in the blind and waiting for the sunrise and oh my, how pretty it was! There isn't much that's prettier than sunrise on a duck blind. The sun sparkled on the pond and we waited and waited for ducks. I watched and listened as he called them in and the ducks would swoop down in a pattern as though they were flirting with us. Flying in, then hesitating and they were costing in the wind. He called them in close enough for a good shot and we both pulled out our shotguns and fired. Ducks went down that day, some where his and he says some were mine, but I am pretty sure they were all his. That day I was hooked, both on duck hunting and on him.
I had been out with him many times deer hunting. Tagged along and helped spot and loved every minute of it. After our daughter was born he took me on a surprise date. We pulled into Bass Pro Shops and I thought to myself WTH are we doing HERE?! We walked up to their archery department and my bow was waiting for me. I thought no way can I do this. What if it snaps me? I don't have the upper body strength to pull it back. What if I release too soon and hurt someone? So many "what ifs." He helped me that day in the indoor range at Bass Pro and after a few arrows flew I was pretty good at this archery thing. I was hooked ever since, both on the bow and on him. Little did I know that very deer season I would take down a buck on opening weekend. Once again, I was hooked on deer hunting and on him.
Over a year has passed and he is gone. I am not hooked on him any longer. But this girl is still hooked on all the things we used to do when we were a "we." No, I didn't grow up hunting. My dad fished and took us, and we went shooting plenty. I had fun but never appreciated it like I do now. I spent the last year wondering if I was ever going to be able to do the things that I loved so much when I was with him. These last few months, I have realized that I can do each of those things without him. I have been lucky to have friends who let me tag along. I fished the Delta, without him...I went turkey hunting, without him...I shot an AR for the first time, without him.... I am kind of living now with the motto "she did it anyway."
A few weeks ago I pulled into Sacramento Valley to meet up with some friends who were shooting and thought I would just hang out and watch. One of my friends had an AR and was trying to get me to shoot it. No way, I hadn't shot a gun since Chris and was in the mindset that I "needed him" in order to shoot. I know it sounds crazy but when you depend on someone so much and they leave you almost feel incapable without them there. My friend persisted and when all else failed I was told that I was a "baby." Nothing like elementary slander to make you prove someone wrong. After I asked about a million questions such as: "how's the recoil?" "what do the shells look like, how big?" "where will the shells eject" and watched the gun fired several times to take note of the recoil, the shell ejection, how much the scope moved (I didn't want scope bite) before I decided to sit in the hot seat. Once I braved myself to sit down it took me forever to find the damn red dot in the scope but once I did I took a deep breath, let it out and squeezed the trigger. I flinched, I felt that I did and my shot was off but my confidence was dead on and I was in LOVE. I was hooked, both on the gun and on the feeling.....That.was.awesome! Can I do it again? And that morning I kept shooting and shooting and shooting. I probably should buy my friends some ammo after all I shot that day! The point is, I did it anyway. I didn't need Chris as my security blanket to do the things that I really enjoy. Life goes on. And, that next week I went out a bought my own AR. I did it anyway....
I was recently at brunch with a set of girlfriends and they saw my Facebook posts with me shooting, turkey hunting, etc. and I was asked "what the hell got into you." I just laughed but since then I spent some time thinking about what exactly got in to me. I concluded that there are phases to divorce and the first phase I spent numb, then I was drunk, then I was stubborn and figured I was just fine, then I was really sad and hurt and now I'm in a phase of "I'll do it anyway." I am restoring my confidence, building my life without a man and doing what I want for me with or without him. This is really good news because I can't imagine what other phases I have left but whatever comes I will embrace it and roll with it.
I have been fortunate enough that God planted people in my life to give me access to the things that I love so much and to show me that life goes on. I've been provided love and support and had people patient enough with me to allow my confidence to grow. Now I know that Chris isn't the only person in the world that I need to fish with, or shoot with. I hate to say it but I think I'm doing better without him than I was with him. He babied me way too much, he kept me crawling and now I'm walking. Not running, but walking. Before you know it this girl will be sprinting!
Monday, April 28, 2014
The battle of Motherhood - When Satan Attacks
I grew up in a house of yellers - my mom yelled, my dad yelled and we listened when they did. Looking back, I don't blame them. They raised my brother and I the best they could with the tools that they had to do so. My dad worked very hard for his family and I don't remember ever wanting much and my mom worked part time for the school but was mostly a homemaker. My mom suffered from anxiety and hardly left the house. We didn't do the mother/daughter type things that most moms and daughters do and most of our communication was fighting and yelling. Now at 34 I really feel compassion for my mom. Knowing what I do about her upbringing and the pain she has dealt with I feel very sad for her. She never learned how to process all that she had gone through and now she's an almost 60 year old woman who still suffers daily.
I am known to be a yeller. I hate it when I do and I stop myself most of the time and take a pause. Man oh man how the kids can sometimes work my very last nerve. About a month or two ago I had a bad mama flip out. You know the kind where you're out of your body looking in and thinking "what a crazy bitch she is" and then you realize that crazy bitch is YOU! Okay, maybe I'm the only one who does this? But it was a day where I paid all the bills, had some fun planned for the kids seemed not happy enough with whatever it was I planned, the girls were fighting, I burned my forehead with the curling iron and something was said and I went batshit crazy. I yelled, I cried, I said things I can't take back and I stopped dead in my tracks, walked in my room and sat on my bed and sobbed. No, I didn't cry....I SOBBED. My tears were pouring and all I could do was pray. I prayed and prayed and I made my kiddos come in my room and pray with me. I told them I was very sorry for my flip out and that I was an imperfect mom that was learning to be a better mom by a perfect God. My kids may or may not understand that and might just be thinking that mama is a super nut job but I know that it's moments like those that plant the seeds in them. My hope is they see my ownership but also see me turn it over to a big God and notice just how much I need him in my life. Since that day I have been so proud of how much I've controlled myself and not allowed outside stress make me have an ugly tongue! Unfortunately, the better I've gotten the more Satan has been attacking and he's decided to attack me through my 10 year old Audrey. He has been using her to say things that just cut down to the core of me. He uses her sass, tone, nasty comments, carelessness in her words and the ability to hurt my mama heart. I am so very thankful that after the last couple of days I have realized this has been an attack on me and not a sign that my 10 year old just hates me. She doesn't hate me, she loves me and I know this. So tonight I will pray for her and demand that the enemy stay out of my home and away from my daughter and to no longer use her tongue as a weapon against me! If you're reading this I ask for your prayers too!
I really don't know where I am going with all this but this much I know - the closer I have been in relationship with Jesus the more wisdom I have gained. Circumstances that would have set me off before would have kept me in that bad, dark place where now, I recognize truth and cling to that. My mom and dad were loving parents but they never had a relationship with Jesus, at least not one that I knew about. They were believers but not followers. I am not saying I am better than they were but I am saying that my load is much lighter because I am able to turn it over to God. I could give you so many more examples of how Satan attacks me as a mom and I am sure I'll be writing about them as they come up but dammit I refuse to let him reach my children through me or visa versa. Like I said before there is no room in my home for the Enemy!
Tonight I thank you Jesus for the wisdom you have given me and ask that you continue to grow me as a woman and mother. I thank you for all three of my kiddos and pray for their hearts and that they will continue to get to know you Lord. Amen.
I am known to be a yeller. I hate it when I do and I stop myself most of the time and take a pause. Man oh man how the kids can sometimes work my very last nerve. About a month or two ago I had a bad mama flip out. You know the kind where you're out of your body looking in and thinking "what a crazy bitch she is" and then you realize that crazy bitch is YOU! Okay, maybe I'm the only one who does this? But it was a day where I paid all the bills, had some fun planned for the kids seemed not happy enough with whatever it was I planned, the girls were fighting, I burned my forehead with the curling iron and something was said and I went batshit crazy. I yelled, I cried, I said things I can't take back and I stopped dead in my tracks, walked in my room and sat on my bed and sobbed. No, I didn't cry....I SOBBED. My tears were pouring and all I could do was pray. I prayed and prayed and I made my kiddos come in my room and pray with me. I told them I was very sorry for my flip out and that I was an imperfect mom that was learning to be a better mom by a perfect God. My kids may or may not understand that and might just be thinking that mama is a super nut job but I know that it's moments like those that plant the seeds in them. My hope is they see my ownership but also see me turn it over to a big God and notice just how much I need him in my life. Since that day I have been so proud of how much I've controlled myself and not allowed outside stress make me have an ugly tongue! Unfortunately, the better I've gotten the more Satan has been attacking and he's decided to attack me through my 10 year old Audrey. He has been using her to say things that just cut down to the core of me. He uses her sass, tone, nasty comments, carelessness in her words and the ability to hurt my mama heart. I am so very thankful that after the last couple of days I have realized this has been an attack on me and not a sign that my 10 year old just hates me. She doesn't hate me, she loves me and I know this. So tonight I will pray for her and demand that the enemy stay out of my home and away from my daughter and to no longer use her tongue as a weapon against me! If you're reading this I ask for your prayers too!
I really don't know where I am going with all this but this much I know - the closer I have been in relationship with Jesus the more wisdom I have gained. Circumstances that would have set me off before would have kept me in that bad, dark place where now, I recognize truth and cling to that. My mom and dad were loving parents but they never had a relationship with Jesus, at least not one that I knew about. They were believers but not followers. I am not saying I am better than they were but I am saying that my load is much lighter because I am able to turn it over to God. I could give you so many more examples of how Satan attacks me as a mom and I am sure I'll be writing about them as they come up but dammit I refuse to let him reach my children through me or visa versa. Like I said before there is no room in my home for the Enemy!
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
Joshua 24:15
Tonight I thank you Jesus for the wisdom you have given me and ask that you continue to grow me as a woman and mother. I thank you for all three of my kiddos and pray for their hearts and that they will continue to get to know you Lord. Amen.
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